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Help out the U.S. military's defense budget
The U.S. government has allocated between $1.03 and $1.41 trillion in defense spending during 2012. That's quite a bit more than what Apple has in the bank.
The U.S. defense budget shows that $54.6 billion will go on veterans' pensions for 2012. Assuming that it stays the same for subsequent years -- it won't, but let's say it does -- Apple could pay for these pensions for a good two-and-a-half years before it runs out of cash at today's rate.
Buy Morocco, Cuba, or a small European country
The problem Apple has is that most of its cash offshore—68 percent, to be specific—and out of the U.S. taxman's hands. It can't repatriate its cash or the company will face massive tax bills.
One of the best solutions for Apple is to buy a small country—based on gross domestic product (GDP)—so it can bring in its cash from all corners of the world at a zero-percent tax rate.
Apple could buy country with a GDP of less than $137.1 billion, at least in theory (not including costs to build an iArmy to invade the place). It could make a bid for Morocco, Cuba, or even Luxembourg—a known tax haven—or a small European country like Latvia, and still have some cash left over to give everyone in the country an iPhone.
Buy a private island
Private islands don't actually cost that much anymore. Any medium-level multi-millionaire could probably snap up one for just a fraction of their overall worth. Actually making the place habitable, however, is something else, let alone turning the island from "Lost" into a popular tourist destination for morally bankrupt folk who seek a place in the purgatoric sun.
According to one private island broker, the average going price for a private island in the Caribbean appears to be in the region of $3.5 million to about $47 million, give or take ten million or so.
Or, if you look at the country's gross domestic product (GDP), Apple could buy the Cook Islands (get it? Tim Cook… oh, forget it) for a meager $183.2 million.