How the iPad Stole Android's Tablet Christmas

The Android tablet manufacturers had a year to prepare for the 2010 holiday season. And they blew it.

Every Goog Down in Googleplex, In Mountain View Liked Android a lot.

But the Jobs Who lived just South of the Googleplex, In Cupertino Did NOT!

The Jobs hated Android! The whole Android reason. Now, you don't need to ask why. We all know there's no plea-sin'. It could be that the Reality Distortion Field was turned up too bright. It could be, perhaps, that his mock black turtleneck was far too tight. But I think that the most likely reason of all, Is that Android's market share would not remain small.

But, Whatever the reason, The Field or his Turtleneck, He stood there, in late 2009, hating the Googs. Staring down from his mansion with a sour, Jobsy frown. At the aspiring smartphone operating system stinking up the entire town. For he knew every Goog down in the Google-plex beneath Was busy now, coding up the next Android release.

"Why they're copying the App Store!" he snarled with a sneer. "The holiday shopping season is coming! Christmas is nearly here!" Then he growled, with his skeletal fingers nervously drumming, "I MUST find a way to keep Android devices from selling!" For next winter, he knew... on Christmas Day

... all the Fangirls and Fanbois Would wake up bright and early, They'd long for their 7" and 10" toys! And then! Oh the Porn! Oh, the Porn! Porn! Porn! Porn! That's the one thing he hated. The Porn.

Then the OEMs, the Chinese and the Koreans, would begin their product release cycles. And they'd plan. And they'd plan. And they'd sell CHEAP! CHEAP! CHEAP! CHEAP! They would start with cheap, $99 Android tablets from Walgreens and K-Mart Which is something the Jobs couldn't stand in the LEAST!

And THEN They'd do something he liked least of all! Every OEM over in Asia, the big and the small Would start copying the iOS User Interface And they'd release dozens and dozens of Android devices, with wireless carriers singing The praises of the Droids, the HTCs, the LG's and the Samsungs!

They'd Sing! And they'd Sing! And they'd SING! SING! SING! SING! About their massive smartphone sales volumes! And the more the Jobs thought about Android's impending success, The more the Jobs thought "I must stop the next big Android Tablet thing! It's causing me distress! Why since 2007, I've put up with it now! I must stop the next wave of Android Tablets from selling! .. But HOW?"

Then he got an idea. A brilliant idea! THE JOBS GOT A WONDERFUL, BRILLIANT IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" The Jobs laughed in this throat. And he tweaked the iOS and the App Store, bought himself a microprocessor engineering firm, and had them design a new System on a Chip, the A4. And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Jobsy trick! With this new big, oversized iPod Touch, which I'll call the iPad --- Mossberg and David Pogue will think it's incredibly slick!"

"All I need is a press event..." The Jobs looked around. And since Apple had no lack of PR folk, there was plenty to be found. Nothing could stop the old Jobs. "I'll do it at the Yerba Buena Center! They'll know it's something big!" So he called Foxconn in Shenzen. And he placed a humongous order.

THEN

He set the price of the iPad to five hundred dollars. So he loaded the channel And every retail vendor And brought in tons of App Store developers.

Then the Jobs said, "Take that, Android!" And the iPad began Selling. Selling. Selling. Selling. Oh my God, was it Selling. But the Android Tablets? There were none to be found, the market for them was dead. And all the Googs were still busy coding the "real" Tablet release, Gingerbread.

The iPad was sleek. It browsed really well. It didn't have that icky, Open Source, fragmented Android smell. And with 300,000 Apps and iTunes, Google could go straight to Hell.

In late 2010, the first true Android Tablets arrived. The first was the 5" Dell Streak, was it a Tablet, or a Phone? Nobody cared, it was software backrevved. Android 1.6? What a Fail. "What are they smoking? Dell must be stoned!"

Then came the Samsung Galaxy Tab. Seven Inches, would it be enough? The browser turned out to be jerky, and to part with $600.00 for a phone that can't make calls might really be tough.

Then the $400.00 ten-inch Froyos finally came, with full Flash support, from Archos, Viewsonic, Toshiba and Creative, just a few that we could name. "What? No Android Market on these? You gotta be freakin' kidding!" Said the the Jobs, counting his money, and grinning. "That's totally lame."

And the Jobs, with his Jobsy grin, stared down at Googs. There was no way that Android Tablets would ever be a threat to the iPad, unless they vastly improved.

So the moral of the story, my Tech Broiler friends...

If you release an Android Tablet, it had better not suck, and if you price it out of the market, you are shat out of luck.

iPad or Android Tablet this Christmas? Talk Back and Let Me Know. So I don't feel like a Schmuck.

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