Maybe CRM for Facebook Does Make Sense :)

Maybe CRM for Facebook Does Make Sense :)

Summary: My friend and colleague Jim Shepherd of AMR set me straight this morning about what is doing with Facebook, and I'm embarrassed to admit I didn't get it right the first time.


My friend and colleague Jim Shepherd of AMR set me straight this morning about what is doing with Facebook, and I'm embarrassed to admit I didn't get it right the first time. According to Jim, when it comes to SFDC and Facebook, CRM actually stands for Child Relationship Management. This realization comes as a relief to me personally and professionally. On the professional level, I was honestly feeling confused about why Salesforce would bother to do a deal with the teen/tween market leader. And on the personal level, I can't wait for my beta system and get started managing my own ill-bred brood according to established industry best practices.

This new definition of CRM is a desperately needed addition to the enterprise software market, and I for one applaud SFDC's leadership in this arena. In case you haven't noticed, the kids on Facebook do tend to run amok, not only in terms of what they post on Facebook, but what they do with all the social interactions they spawn (pun intended) through their unmanaged use of social media. With teen pregnancy up, drug use through the roof, and disrespect to their elders rampant, it's time parents become empowered to manage their child relationships in a proactive, comprehensive manner.

While I know I'm violating an NDA (no dads allowed) agreement when I reveal this, here are the main features of the new CRM capabilities in Facebook.

1) Friend Manager: The essential starting point for Child Relationship Manager. As a parent, you get to control all friendships in Facebook, block the ones you don't like, and force your kids to befriend the ones you think will be better role models, even if your children actually loathe your nerdly choices. The ROI on this feature alone is worth the product's price.

2) Kid Watch with GPS: Use of Facebook CRM automatically initiates the Kid Watch feature, which provides a direct Google Maps mashup feed to a PDA or laptop. You can define off limit geographies in Kid Watch -- such as a smoke shop, liquor store, or tattoo parlor -- and use the Obedience Analytics (below) to maintain a running score on your child's compliance with your commands.

3) Stud Watch: Parents are alerted to friendships with known sexual deviants, especially young unmarried fathers who father children with the daughters of self-righteous social conservatives. Depending on the relative Stud score, this feature can automatically trigger the Virtual Chastity Belt feature (below.)

4) Bikini-line Watch: Using some rather impressive visual analysis tools, Bikini Watch can search photo albums and alert parents to suggestive pictures that show too much flesh, too little fabric, or promote Abercrombie and Fitch products. This feature includes controls that allow parents to adjust the allowable amounts to reflect geography, season, religious values, or sexual orientation.

5) Comprehensive Obedience Analytics: This is one of the best things about Child Relationship Manager. Obediance Analytics allow parents to maintain a comprehensive obedience tally on such important key performance indicators like overall room cleanliness, percent homework completed, number of emergency teacher conferences, net sibling punches, and other factors that make up a well-managed child relationship. This feature ties into KPIs that are segmented by race, religion, gender-preference, voting record, among others, and then allows parents to manage according to best practices in their demographic.

6) Virtual Chastity Belt. Despite its name, this feature is actually not meant to be gender specific, though early beta tests reveal it to be a favorite feature among the fathers of teenage girls. Basically, the VCB is an upgrade of the Virtual Birth Control feature: by using patented remote electro-shock technology, VCB can anticipate when a child is potentially in a compromising position, and, by inducing a low-grade electric shock, force the child to call a parent and get them to either unlock the VCB, or come and take them home.

There are many more features, but those are the highlights. So, hats off to Salesforce for this ground-breaking development. This is truly the first-ever CRM meets social meets the home enterprise, and I'm excited about how much better everyone will be able to manage this uncontrolled and dangerous social world for children and their parents that Facebook has created. Who says enterprise software can't serve society in a positive manner?

Topics: Enterprise Software, Software, Social Enterprise

Kick off your day with ZDNet's daily email newsletter. It's the freshest tech news and opinion, served hot. Get it.


Log in or register to join the discussion
  • Lazy Journalism

    This article reeks (yet again) of
    propaganda. (No I?m not an employee; check out my
    ZDNet user ID!)

    Consider some facts before posting this sort of drivel

    Facebook is the largest social media site in the

    In the United States, 85% of facebook users are older
    than 17.

    72% of US facebook users are aged 18-34.

    There are many organisations that could benefit from
    the demographic information that facebook encourages
    (forces) their users to share. Add to the mix
    people?s interests, geography, political views,
    interests, employment history etc and facebook becomes
    a useful revenue generating tool (perhaps you could
    even put a CRM solution in front of it).

    A simple example:
    A charity fund-raising department (that uses a CRM
    solution, which it got for free, and implemented in a
    week) examines its donor database and works out that
    over half of the supporters that participated in a
    recent 10K run (facebook event), 10% of which admire a
    well known philanthropist (facebook fan), were aged
    26-34 (20% of all US facebook users), and were all
    based within a 3 mile radius of a particular city
    (facebook profile).

    In case you?re still reluctant to recognise facebook
    as anything but a dangerous tool for your teenage
    daughter, I?ve put some clues in the brackets...and I
    haven?t even started on the opportunities for
    advertising, retail, high-tech?s,

    If you?re going to slap SFDC every month (alright,
    well at least half a dozen times this year) then at
    least do it with some adequate research,
    professionalism, and with a style that doesn?t make
    you look like a grumpy old man with no [facebook]
    • Facebook is Not

      A business network. I know, I'm a user, and I have plenty of friends, thank you. Most of whom I know from business, virtually none of whom, as far as I can tell, use it for business purposes. There are some fun things you can do with SFDC and Facebook, and some very worthwhile activities, as you have pointed out, but this is simply not about improving enterprise productivity by blending social networking and CRM -- which was the rationale that Marc Benioff used to justify doing the deal with Facebook.

      So, starting with that last sentence as a premise, I think it's fair comment to try a little humor to illustrate the following point: if all SFDC can do is market by hyperbole, then they should realize how silly some of that hyperbole sounds to those of us who haven't drunk the koolaid.

      Finally, sorry you didn't like it, too bad you think its drivel, propaganda, and lazy. Better luck next time finding the kind of "journalism" that makes you feel good about your own biases.....

      And you, proudly declaring your ZDNet ID
  • RE: Maybe CRM for Facebook Does Make Sense <img class=

    Absolutely important. Facebook's become more of a functional tool for me rather than anything social...mostly b/c I love this new shopping application:

    <a href=???></a>
    • Is shopping CRM?

      Thanks for your more thoughtful comment (see insult exchange above.) Can you tell me/us how this site can blend with a CRM application like SFDC?

  • Ah, well

    At first I thought it was a serious article.

    Actually, some of those features wouldn't be bad. I
    wouldn't mind having to approve any new friend
    requests. As it is now, I have 2 rules.

    1. Don't talk/chat/email/txt anyone you don't know in
    real life.

    2. I have a copy of all user names & passwords for any
    online account.

    Periodically I'll log on & see what she's been up to.
    I'll also go through her txts. I don't hide it, and
    I'm pretty lenient about what I'll allow (I had to
    tell my exwife to chill on some of the stuff we found,
    she over-reacted). Anything that we find that goes out
    of bounds means serious restriction, no mobile, no tv,
    no net, no nothin' :) Homework, excercize, books.

    Mainly we just tried to raise her with the proper
    ideas & values. I was proud of myself when I didn't
    make a big deal when she told me about her first
    boyfriend. Even prouder of her when she dumped him a
    week later because "she wasn't ready for a boyfriend"
    (meaning she was resisting the peer pressure that is
    way too prevalent for 7th grade).

    Blah, blah, blah.

    To bring it kinda back on topic,
    doesn't make much sense for the app-laden facebook.
    Linkedin, now...
  • RE: Maybe CRM for Facebook Does Make Sense <img border=

    sensible talk

    If you want to find more information on ERP software reviews, go to You will get alot of tools and reviews to find the best software application for your business