The first thing you need to remember is that the survival rate after a zombie apocalypse is frighteningly low. If you don’t get bitten, or get killed due to the carelessness of your companions, you’ll probably end up somewhere trapped with a limited supply of food. Really, it’s not a matter of if the zombies will get you, it’s a matter of when.
Of course, that’s just the movies. The zombie apocalypse I’ll be discussing here has already happened, and has taken the lives of billions of people. I am speaking, of course, about the smartphone zombies.
You see them everywhere. Shambling down the street, heads bowed over a tiny handheld device, oblivious to the world around them. They walk into street signs, oncoming traffic and each other. Some of them are behind the steering wheel of a car, barrelling down on hapless pedestrians without even noticing them.
The System, By Rosscott
The first step on the survival checklist is learning how to recognize the zombies. Unlike your garden variety rotting undead, smartphone zombies can appear to be very much alive. You will need to keep your eyes peeled and watch out for these warning signs:
- Lack of interest in the world around them
- Glassy, dead look in their eyes
- Doesn’t respond after repeated attempts to get their attention
- Walks into the street without looking for a green light
- Unable to look up from their smartphone
- (Sometimes) drooling
- Obsessive Angry Birds addiction
Once you have identified a smartphone zombie, it is important to keep in mind that they cannot see or hear you. If they are heading towards you, get out of their way. If you are walking and they are behind the wheel of a moving automobile, run away. If you are driving, take a different route or get off the highway before you get caught in their 37 car pileup. If they are driving a city bus, stand back and watch the fun.
There are times when you can actually attract the attention of a smartphone zombie. This is usually accomplished by waving the next generation of their smartphone in front of their faces. At this point, they will look up at you, and shuffle eagerly towards you moaning, “Foooourrrrr… geeeee…”. The smartphone zombie will turn violent if you do not let them play with the next gen smartphone, so it’s a good idea to have some form of sedative on hand–such as a baseball bat or a crowbar.
Smartphone zombies can provide hours of entertainment. For instance, you can go into their homes, and move all of the furniture around, resulting in hours of hilarity watching them stumble and fall over themselves just trying to get from the bedroom to the kitchen. Or you can bounce raisins and other small fruit off of them. Make a game of it; see how many times you can ding a zombie with grapes before they actually notice. Whatever you do, however, do not break their smartphones. This will send the smartphone zombie into a homicidal rage or suicidal depression. Maybe even both–they’ll kill themselves, but take you with them.
One of the most heartbreaking aspects of the smartphone zombie condition is when one of your own family members or friends succumbs to the illness. There is currently no known cure for smartphone addiction. The best you can do for them is to lock them in a room and slide food under the door. If, for some reason, you find yourself responsible for a complete stranger that is a smartphone zombie, the best thing to do is to put them out of their misery quickly. The fastest method is to dump them into a woodchipper - headshots won’t work because their minds are already gone.
And finally, if you find yourself infected, and begin turning into one of the perpetually-connected undead, watch out. You almost got run over by that bike messenger.
