Why the 6th version of Android will not be called Kugel

Every time a new version of Android comes out, speculation arises as to what the next one will be named.

Recently, several fandroid blogs have postulated that the next version of Android after Jelly Bean may not, in fact, be called Key Lime Pie. They propose, based on information from dubious sources, that version 6 of the mobile operating system might be called "Kugel".

They add that it would be oh-so-wonderful for the culture of the Chosen People to be integrated into the version history of our favorite Open Source tablet and smartphone OS.

• Also Read: Trick or Treat, the remaining 17 Android Releases (October 2010)

Since the only resident Talmudic scholar on ZDNet, Cantor David Morgenstern supports Apple's ecosystem and has no interest in Android whatsoever (Oy, what a shonda!) the responsibility for educating the fandroids on the halachical merits of Kugel as a potential Android version falls upon me, the only other other prominently rabbinically bearded Jew on this blog network (besides David Gewirtz and David Chernicoff).

I hate to tell you this, but the bottom line is that the idea of "Kugel" becoming the official name of Android 6 is just as meshuga as asking for where you can buy iPad HDs wholesale, or hoping that the comScore or NPD stats for HP webOS in the smartphone handsets category will achieve an 80 percentile market share by the year 2015. It just ain't gonna happen, Hebrews.

Look, don't get me wrong. I love Kugels. I have even posted recipes for them on my food blog. Some people have even claimed they were the best ones they have ever made or eaten in their entire life. But they have no place in Android. Why?

BECAUSE THEY AREN'T CONFECTIONS, DESSERTS OR PASTRIES!

Despite the fact that some Kugels could be considered sweet, such as the "Lokshen Kugel" that is typically identified by most Gentiles and even many Jews as simply "Kugel", a Kugel is a metatype. A superclass. It is an entire category of dishes, and they most certainly will never be consumed at the end of the meal. If anything, they are the main dish, the main event.

Kugels are a pudding or a casserole, and they can be either sweet or savory. During the holidays of Passover or Rosh Hashanah, you will see Potato, Meat, and Vegetable Kugels.

In the case of the Lokshen Kugel, which is made with egg noodles, cottage cheese, sour cream, cinnamon, sugar and raisins, I can see where it might be mistaken by Gentiles as a dessert.

However, they would be wrong. A Lokshen Kugel is a dairy dish, and would be the focus of an entire meal, specifically an Ashkenaze (European) Jewish Kosher Dairy meal. Kugels come from Germany and Poland, and are specific to Jewish culture from those two countries or general geographic areas.

Typicaly, you see Lokshen Kugel served alongside other dairy or pareve (neutral) dishes such as Bagels, Cream Cheese, and smoked fish (yes, fish is neutral). So they make their appearance at the "Break Fast" meal during Yom Kippur, the holiest of the high Jewish holidays, as well as things such as when Jewish families sit Shiva for the deceased and also for post-bris (ritual circumcision) celebratory gatherings where other light, dairy meals might be served.

Yeah, that was probably more than you ever wanted to know about Kugels.

Now, I am not against the idea of the Jewish people being represented in Android. G-d knows, there are probably millions of us using the products in some form or even developing for it. And of course, Andy Rubin, the co-Founder of Android and Sr. Vice President at Google, is a Jew, as is Google CEO Larry Page and co-Founder Sergey Brin.

So if anything, the three bastids owe us.

I would also go as far to say that Google has passed up every good opportunity to recognize the confectionery and desserts of the Jewish people in Android. And it may be a conspiracy.

Several of the best Jewish desserts and candies start with "H". Halvah is a sesame-based candy that originates from the Middle East that is extremely popular with Israelis and Jews from all over the world. "Honey Cake", which is served during Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, would have also have been a good choice. And what about Hamentashen, the triangle-shaped pastry/cookie filled with fruit that is served during the Purim festival, which happens to occur this week?

No, of course Google didn't want to use any of these things. That would make way too much sense. Eclair was chosen instead of Egg Cream, way back in the early days of 1.6. They could have rectified this later on when they hit "H".

Instead of the various choices above, they went "Honeycomb" which isn't even technically a confection or a dessert. Honeycomb is simply raw material for other confectionery applications. I call foul. Foul!

There are other opportunities for Google to rectify this problem, however. The Sufogniyah, which is a type of jelly donut typically served during the Festival of Hanukkah that is very similar to the German Berliner, may have potential eight versions down the line.

But Google already did Donut, and a repeat pastry seems like a bad idea. Rugelach also has potential, but like the aformentioned Sufogniyot, that's pretty far away. And like Egg Cream, the chances for Babka have long passed.

Kichel (pronounced Key-Chul) is a bow-tie shaped sugar cookie popular in Israel if if Google wants to make post-Jellybean amends with "K".

Getting back to the unleavened hell that is Passover, which is in April of this year, there is of course the dense, matzah-meal based Macaroon, which should not be confused with the ethereal meringue-based French Macaron. And as much as I would like our piece of Android version history to come from a Jewish confection, I would not wish these things on my worst enemy, not even a fully Vegan-certified version on Steve Jobs when he was alive.

No, there is only one confection that is worthy of the Jewish people that should be up for consideration, and that is the Jelly Ring.

Why the Jelly Ring? Because it's from New York, where Andy Rubin is from, and it's covered in chocolate, which makes it infinitely better than the insipid Jelly Bean. And they are the epitome of Jewish candy that is served on that glass candy dish which is only used at your grandmother's house during the holidays.

But to do that, we must act now, my Hebrew brothers. We must petition Google to change the name of the next Android version, and get it into the source code post haste.

I urge you to sign my petition on Change.org for Google to switch "Jelly Bean" to "Jelly Ring". Because there is no other pressing issue that faces our people more than ensuring a place for our Judaic confectionery legacy in Android version history.

Should Jelly Bean be changed to Jelly Ring? Why is this post different from all other posts? Talk Back and Let Me Know.