Inappropriate Performance Review Phrases (We'd All Like to Use)
Summary: The toughest performance reviews are the ones for the most troubling of employees. How do you capture their ineptitude, indifference or incompetence in a pithy, to-the-point phrase? Read on...
But Check With HR First
James Neal wrote the book “Effective Phrases for Performance Appraisals” many years ago. Today, it’s in its twelfth edition and has sold more than a million copies. BusinessWeek even noted this event.
As much as I enjoy praising the virtues of great employees, it’s the less than stellar ones I, and I suspect many of you, struggle with mightily. We rack our brains looking for those exact, precise, clear-cut and definitive words that basically tell them “You screwed up and you’ll be gone soon unless you do a 180”. But what are those words? Why isn’t there a book for these gems?
Well, I think it’s time we start collecting the phraseology for the underperforming or malcontents under our supervision. Herewith are some starter phrases that might be a tad bit too strong for that next annual review you conduct. And of course, make sure your HR team signs off on any of these before you use them.
1. “Couldn’t find a successful path to complete this project even if we gave him a GPS”
2. “Wanting and getting a raise/promotion are two different things”
3. “Approaching his deliverables is like approaching an outhouse – you just know they’re going to stink”
4. “He talks to himself – a lot – because he likes the sound of his voice better than mine or the client’s”
5. “If I wrote a performance review as poorly as he writes, it would say ‘UR GRAMR SUKS”
6. “Has set a new standard in work performance – unfortunately it’s not good one”
7. “Employee wants the firm to sponsor his attendance in a foreign language class. I suggested he learn some English phrases first like ‘on-time’, ‘on-budget’ and ‘performance plan’”
8. “Asking out our married CEO on a date was not a good career move”
9. “He set a department record for the most dead relatives, sick pets and 24-hour bugs in one year”
10. “Thinks we don’t know that he catches 40+ daytime baseball games a year. Even customers complain that their calls can’t be understood over all of the stadium noise”
11. “Single-handedly parked more porn on a company laptop than anyone in the history of the firm”
12. “Could have tattoos all over his arms but we’ll never know as he hasn’t rolled up his sleeves and gotten his hands dirty in years”
13. “Actually thinks Facebook is a business application”
So what phrase have you been itching to use? Got a favorite that speaks volumes about poor performance? Send it along and share it with us.
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Talkback
Complete waste of skin. (nt)
The 7 P's
This employee...
...will come in handy when we open a nail salon.
...is a waste of perfectly good oxygen.
... is only useful as a space heater in the winter.
...has discovered new levels of incompetence which we may be able to patent.
...makes RIAA executives and Congress look competent.
...makes a good test subject for the phrase "any idiot can do this."
...should seek a career in the carnival.
...is a reliable source of methane.
...obviously conserves large quantities of water in his hygienic habits.
...serves as a shining example of the failures of our educational system.
...creates a peaceful and cooperative work environment every time he leaves.
This is fun... I could go on for hours...
needs to learn ...
Ludo
There are only 2 types of performance reviews.
1. The ones for people you want to keep. 5 to 10 minutes. Everything above that is bs. Why? Because there's 365 days in a year to communicate (& tell you're happy with him/her's performance). If it boils down to the moment of the review then you suck as a supervisor).
2. The ones for people you don't want to keep. Totally different. Prepare prepare prepare - file etc. Just the legal route to take / do what's necessary. Clear criticism, clear deadlines, document arrangements etc.
Human Resources is a useless department in nearly all organizations.
RE: Inappropriate Performance Review Phrases (We'd All Like to Use)
found here:
http://www.myperformancereviewsucked.com/