Santa - Bring these tech gifts to these people NOW!

Santa - Bring these tech gifts to these people NOW!

Summary: High Tech firms sometimes overlook great opportunities for creating holiday cheer and a better business world. Here, Brian offers up ten ideas for Santa to deliver this holiday season, if only high tech firms made these products. Did he forget any?

SHARE:
26

High Tech Gifts That Should Exist

This year, I’d like Santa to bring some special technology gifts to some deserving (and undeserving) business folks this year. The way I see it, if these folks get these gifts, the rest of us might have a better life. So, here’s my list of gifts Santa should deliver. Did I miss any?

1) Santa, not every software company CEO or CMO has an iPad yet. This horrible oversight must end now if these people are to conduct their critical 1-2 minutes of a software demo. (Note to Santa: If you run out of iPads, then give them Etch-a-Sketch’s. I’m pretty sure some of those executives won’t know the difference.)

2) Santa, PLEASE, create a Microsoft Word add-in utility that prevents holiday card senders from typing one of those year-in-review brag letters. Think about how great this holiday will be if hundreds of millions of us don’t have to read about Biff’s new Lexus, Alexa’s new plastic surgery, Cujo’s new litter, and Camille’s stunning 2.00001 GPA at a ‘prestigious’ college we’ve never heard of before.

3) Santa would win big brownie points from me and thousands of analysts and bloggers if he sends us a special PR Hyperbole email add-in spam filter program. This software pulverizes any press release with words in it like: World Class, Industry-Leading, Transformative, State-of-the-Art, Award-Winning, and of course, Innovative. This software should also shunt any press release announcing the promotion of a technology firm employee to ‘Executive Assistant to the Mid-Atlantic Weekend Sales Leader for SMB Accounts in the Toe Fungus Industry Sub-Vertical’ to the spam folder.

4) Could Santa please create a software utility that smites emoticons and those unprofessional abbreviations (e.g., LOL, OMG and IMHO) from emails? The business world would seem professional once more if this stuff were automatically removed from messages once you hit the SEND button. Be gone Smiley Face emoticon!

5) And Santa, could you please send true 4G capabilities to all U.S. cellular carriers for every part of the U.S.? That way, I and others don’t need to drop to 3G service every time we cross from one room to the next.

6) I’d like Santa to give Orbitz, American Airlines and others some new software that tells me BEFORE I hit the purchase key whether I have a chance of getting an upgrade, aisle seat and/or emergency row seat on a flight. Right now, millions of us are buying airline tickets and getting stuck in 30E, a middle seat right in front of the lavatory. If I can’t get a humane seat for a 4 ½ hour flight, I’ll book a different flight or carrier. Last Thursday, my flight of the damned was AA618 from SFO to ORD. There were 16 people checked into first class with 33 more on the upgrade standby list. Not a lot of holiday cheer on that flight. (I’d also like Santa to give American Airlines CEO, Gerald Arpey, a copy of Microsoft Word as I still haven’t gotten even an acknowledgement to the letter I mailed him in June of this year.)

7) Remember, Santa, that some on-premise application software vendors still haven’t found any multi-tenancy code in their stockings for over a decade now. They’ve had to host their products and call them SaaS. Let’s help them out and bring them true multi-tenancy this holiday season.

8) And don’t forget the folks at the TSA Santa. Their new body scanners have some folks upset. So, can you send them some software that enhances the scanned image of a person to look like one of People magazine’s sexiest humans on the planet. You know, can you get the image to drop 40 pounds of excess weight, cover up baldness, etc.? If people knew how good they could look in a scanner, they’d want to use them all the time.

9) Santa, could you create a RosettaStone software product that helps people understand and respond to the contorted, needlessly and overly abbreviated, TLA (three letter acronym) infested tweets, IMs and emails? Just think how much more productive U.S. businesses could be if everyone could translate these communiqués. If you have time, could you make an advanced version of this software that automatically deletes smug or self-important 140-character messages (e.g., I hope my employees get me that Porsche GT-3 for Christmas this year!).

10) Finally, don’t forget, Santa, that some tech users have been really naughty. You know who I’m talking about: the Nigerian inheritance scammers, the fake pharma firms with their fake pills, etc. Be sure and send them a big, big lump of coal from all of us.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now, Santa. But, if I think of some more, I’ll let you know.

Topics: Software, CXO, IT Employment

About

Brian is currently CEO of TechVentive, a strategy consultancy serving technology providers and other firms. He is also a research analyst with Vital Analysis.

Kick off your day with ZDNet's daily email newsletter. It's the freshest tech news and opinion, served hot. Get it.

Talkback

26 comments
Log in or register to join the discussion
  • RE: Santa - Bring these tech gifts to these people NOW!

    LMAO and ROFL at that gr8 post Brian ;) (cough)
    dahowlett
  • Santa - how about the REST of the world ?

    Hey Santa Claus (we all know Father Christmas is a shill for Coca-Cola),

    Do me a big favour and let the guys from the 'lower 48' know that there IS an audience for content outside the US ? For example, I don't mind paying a reasonable price for content I receive, so long as it gets split in a reasonable manner amongst everyone who brings it to me. Of course, I COULD fire up a US based cloud instance to convince Amazon (or Apple or Hulu or ..) that I'm in the US, or try to find an affordable reliable fast enough VPN or TOR Router ....

    Quite frankly, its faster and easier to use torrent it.
    martin.english
  • hmm..."If you run of out iPads, then give them Etch-a-Sketch's.

    ...Im pretty sure some of those executives wont know the difference."<br><br>That either says a lot about CEOs or iPads. Since executive officers have proven themselves as to why they hold that position in the first place...I'll take that as: there is not a discernible difference between the iPad and a toy.
    SonofaSailor
    • RE: Santa - Bring these tech gifts to these people NOW!

      @SonofaSailor No, it's the sorry fact that anything you stick in front of a CEO or CIO for that matter that's current they will think it's some toy.
      cyberslammer2
      • Didn't you apply for a CIO job? and didn't get it?

        @cyberslammer2

        So, really, you're mad that you're not getting paid for your would be managers to stick devices in front of you, and you think it's a toy? Those are your own words...
        SonofaSailor
    • RE: Santa - Bring these tech gifts to these people NOW!

      @SonofaSailor <br>That's not entirely true. The fact of the matter is that there are some people with no business being top dog in any company because they don't know how to run it. They knew someone or they kissed a lot of @$$ to get there. You know I'm right and it's not like I'm saying everyone in those positions are like that.
      KBot
      • RE: Santa - Bring these tech gifts to these people NOW!

        @KBot Steve Ballmer being a prime example...
        unclefixer@...
    • RE: Santa - Bring these tech gifts to these people NOW!

      @SonofaSailor
      It's a Dilbert reference, Sonof; geeze, some folks will seize any excuse to Applebash!
      orangemike
    • RE: Santa - Bring these tech gifts to these people NOW!

      @SonofaSailor There are some execs who are quite staggeringly stupid and have gotten where they are at due to cronyism rather than hard work... not all by any means but some.

      And while the iPad CAN be used as a toy it is also a decent productivity tool - it's all in how one uses it.
      athynz
  • Santa... Can I get

    Those 5 minutes back I just spent reading this overly whiney, lame, mean spirited, and overall kind of jerky rant of a blog.

    Oh wait.. my comments are in the same tone! UGH. Merry Christmas.
    condelirios
  • Misuse of technology

    1. The CIO would surely deserve a new Chrome OS netbook, network terminal, whatsit: more cost-effective and capable of connecting to all company systems.

    2. The antidote is a curt acknowledgement with a list of your favourite charities ... and a hint that they are heels if they choose not to support at least two.

    3. Why filter? Write a macro to put all press releases into the watebasket immediately. If anything significant happens it will be on the front page of ZDNET ;-)

    4. In which case your point would be correctly rendered as ...
    exampli gratia: that was really funny dude; WTF!; ascends one's customary soapbox

    Sorry: please look up the definition for 'verbose'. [See the end of point 3.]

    I would agree however that incorrect use of the English language be punishable by jail time, or community service for minor offences.

    Abbreviation of Microsoft Corporation to MSFT, as customary for NASDAQ, is insufficient: M$ is both shorter and far more descriptive of the company's aims, even if it does annoy the **** out of M$ supporters.

    We disagree on this point.

    5. You want networking bandwidth? Move to Asia. Santa was born in the Orient. Not many people know that.

    6. Your eternal damnation preparation for ... depleting rainforests, burning hydrocarbons and consuming airline 'food' ... seems to be progressing slowly. Escalation granted.
    PS The invitation to communicate with the CEO of a global corporation is a hypothetical gesture, capiche? Their PA's lackey, does however have WORD 2010 (fully patched on a Windows 7 x64 top-of-the-range PC [not a MAC in this case, please note for political correctness]), you will be pleased to know.

    7. Your plea for plain use of English in 4. has been noted. Please rephrase point seven in Her Majesty's tongue after completing your 6 months community service.

    8. Those who experience pleasure from an Xray of the average airline traveller should be sentanced to a mind-numbing corrective programme, where they are forced to endure the same on a low salary until retirement.

    9. Multiple code violations detected:
    TLA
    IM
    e.g. (second occurrence)
    US
    GT
    140
    Please write each abbreviation out in full (i.e. manuscript) 1,000,000,000 times before submitting your next post. Use of a computer is expressly forbidden.

    10. Thank you for the coal! No longer will we have to scour the desert for brushwood to light our fires, nor teardown wooden ships pirated from the sea for kindling. By the sackful please! Tumescence is easy once you are warm!!

    Only the ten toes to go now.
    jacksonjohn
  • RE: Santa - Bring these tech gifts to these people NOW!

    Sorry, your point about the full first class was ...? I should feel sorry for people that can afford first class for a 5 hour flight, when I usually spend 14+ hours crammed into economy minus (and that's just the first leg)?
    Evil(er) Overlord
  • RE: Santa - Bring these tech gifts to these people NOW!

    As the CEO of "a strategy consultancy servicing technology providers", Brian is in no position to ask for #3! ;-)
    cambric
    • RE: Santa - Bring these tech gifts to these people NOW!

      And #4 too. If I didn't use that winky-face smiley, how would you know I was joking?
      cambric
  • RE: Santa - Bring these tech gifts to these people NOW!

    How about a filter to ban the use of the word "solutions" when not applied to a solute dissoved in a solvent, or to an equation? Wikipedia editors almost automatically ban any article saying the subject provides "solutions" to anything!
    orangemike
  • RE: Santa - Bring these tech gifts to these people NOW!

    Good list! :) I'd like to add to the list: I'd like a universal word processor plugin that reminds people to use spell check, and reminds them to check which version of "their/they're" they should be using... It would be cooler if the plugin had a finger zapper for the keyboard that would be activated if someone got lazy and didn't use the spell check...
    unclefixer@...
    • RE: Santa - Bring these tech gifts to these people NOW!

      @unclefixer@...
      There are grammar and spell checking modules for nearly all word processors. Unfortunately, one must know how to spell "grammer" to find the application.
      Murfski-19971052791951115876031193613182
    • RE: Santa - Bring these tech gifts to these people NOW!

      @unclefixer@...
      Add too, to, two and your, you're to your list.
      dhays
  • RE: Santa - Bring these tech gifts to these people NOW!

    will be helpful and very good this plug in, remember the spelling is a great facility!
    <a href="http://massagem-website.com">massagem</a>
    massagemwebsite
  • Coal in Stocking

    Please give me a list of all those bad boys and girls who get coal in their stockings; I'm a blacksmith in my off-time, and I can use all the coal I can get. Pocahontas #3 only, please.
    Murfski-19971052791951115876031193613182