Opulence, I has it 2013

Opulence, I has it 2013

Summary: Can't decide on gifts to buy? What if price is no object? What if you “has opulence”, so to speak? With that in mind, I’ve updated the latest revision of my holiday gift guide for the disgustingly and oppressively wealthy.

SHARE:

 |  Image 5 of 9

  • Thumbnail 1
  • Thumbnail 2
  • Thumbnail 3
  • Thumbnail 4
  • Thumbnail 5
  • Thumbnail 6
  • Thumbnail 7
  • Thumbnail 8
  • Thumbnail 9
  • Opulent Yachts

    Opulent aircraft will get you to where you want to go, but no self-respecting Bond Villain or ultra-rich person would be without a yacht. But not just any yacht, you want something massive, imposing, a home away from home on the water. Comfy, and yet terrifying to anyone who gets in your way. You want to rule the seas.

    There are plenty of standard multi-million-dollar yachts that you can buy. Even ones that cost tens of millions. But I’m not talking about that kind of boat, I’m talking about the type of yacht that would make Emilio Largo get an inferiority complex.

    Back in the 1980’s, big, disgustingly expensive yacht meant Khashoggi-style. In those days, his 281-foot yacht set records for opulence (and was actually used as a Bond Villain boat in the re-make of Thunderball) but from there they just got bigger. They eventually passed the 350-foot mark, and then 400, and finally 500.

    Not do be outdone by the sheiks, In 2009 Russian billionaire and oil magnate Roman Abramovich launched the Blohm & Voss-built Eclipse, his 557-foot megayacht (his biggest of three huge boats) equipped with helipad, bullet-proof and armor-plated windows, a German-designed missile defense system and even a “laser-powered anti-paparazzi shield” which can scramble any camera or electronic equipment from a distance.

    Would you believe he had a pool of sharks with frickkin’ lasers installed in it as well? Probably not, but we do know that the estimated $400M-$800M plus behemoth of the sea has its own miniature submarine.

    And apparently, there's even a bigger boat than the Eclipse on the water, the Azzam. And it's so expensive that nobody even knows who owns it yet. Only that it was commissioned by an "undisclosed Middle Eastern Billionaire."

    But Abramovich's ship, and the Azzam, while impressive, just aren't, I dunno, bat-guano crazy enough. They don't pass the Super Bond Villain test. 

    To pass the Super Bond Villain test for extreme opulence, you'll want to engage the folks over at Yacht Island Design, which will build you such floating displays of ostentatious and disgusting wealth that even the people who brought you the Las Vegas strip might even tell you to tone it down.

    Yacht Island Design's most current project is The Streets of Monaco, a 1 billion dollar plus floating micro-representation of the tiny Mediterranean principality complete with scaled down versions of the Monte Carlo Casino, the Hotel de Paris, and even the Grand Prix racing course, complete with go-carts on the deck of this 500-foot floating freak show.

    Not insane enough? Check out the Utopia, a dead ringer for Atlantis, the octopus-like water residence of genocidal villain Karl Stromberg in the 1977 Bond film The Spy Who Loved Me.

    Okay, I admit, I'm really digging the Utopia. And I bet you can get it equipped with a sharks with frikkin' lasers pool, if you throw them enough cash.

  • Opulent Space Travel

    I know what you’re thinking, you don’t want to be tied down to terrestrial travel. Understandable. Unfortunately, the limits of technology and the current level of maturity of the private space industry prevents you from has hundred mile high club with your mail-order supermodel girlfriend.

    If you’re willing to wait, you can sign up for Sir Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic, which will be offering suborbital space rides from $200,000 and up. But it will be several years before the service is operational and while incredibly exciting, the flights will be short, lasting less than an hour.

    And if the short ride wasn’t enough of an indignity, you’ll have to share your ride with simple millionaire hoi polloi. So if you’re truly opulent, like Canonical’s Mark Shuttleworth, you’ll want to step in front of the line and have a private vacation in space.

    In 2002, Shuttleworth climbed aboard the Russian Soyuz TM-34 mission, and spent eight days at the International Space Station participating in experiments, after undergoing a year of training and preparation at the Baikonur Cosmodrome. The cost? A mere $20 million.

  • Opulent Residences

    Eventually, you’ll need to come down to Earth. And when you do, you’ll need a place to stay, a place to call home.

    Of course, money being no object, you can build any palace you like. But then you’d be just like Bill Gates with his gigantic high-tech mansion in Medina, Washington or Larry Ellison with his California reproduction of a feudal Japanese castle. How quaint. How lowbrow. Such lack of creativity..

    No, what you want is something truly exclusive. How about a man-made island in Dubai? Or a high-rise apartment on the 123rd floor of the Bhurj Khalifa, currently the tallest building in the world?

    Or purchase any number of existing natural islands in the South Pacific, where you can build your own airstrip and private space launch facilities. Now we’re talking. 

    Just find yourself a little person to be your waiter and valet, and you can be just like Francisco Scaramanga.

    Of course, the problem with large, secure compounds in major metropolitan areas like Bill and Larry’s or even private islands is that people know you are there. They can see you from Google Earth, and they can fly over you.

    That can be really, really annoying.

    No, what you really want is a subterranean house. Specifically, an abandoned Atlas, Titan or Minuteman III nuclear missile base. These spaces are truly unique — they’re built to survive a nuclear holocaust, are extremely efficient to operate, and they are absolutely cavernous.

    Even if you just end up picking one of these properties up to re-fit as a vacation cottage, just think of the fun of being 200 feet underground in the middle of nowhere, where nobody is going to come and bother you, or even know where to look for you.

    Awesome, right? You can build a horse ranch at ground level with a modest-looking farmhouse at the top, with a massive lair below. And if you fix the launch bay doors, you can fly your helicopter straight out of it.

    Oh, and don’t forget the bedding. The bedding is really important. You can’t get a decent night’s sleep on anything less than a $50,000 mattress.

Topics: Travel Tech, Emerging Tech, After Hours

About

Jason Perlow, Sr. Technology Editor at ZDNet, is a technologist with over two decades of experience integrating large heterogeneous multi-vendor computing environments in Fortune 500 companies. Jason is currently a Partner Technology Strategist with Microsoft Corp. His expressed views do not necessarily represent those of his employer.

Kick off your day with ZDNet's daily email newsletter. It's the freshest tech news and opinion, served hot. Get it.

Related Stories

Talkback

9 comments
Log in or register to join the discussion
  • RE: Opulence, I has it (photos)

    Maybe someone could photoshop Jason into some of these pics. That's the only way most of us will get to experience this stuff.

    I'd personally take the airplane and some supermodels though.
    gtvr
  • The toy giraffe is the rage

    Spend the money in genetically engineering a tiny giraffe. Oh Yes.
    chrisadams@...
  • Or, an army of flesh eating zombie gerbils.

    Oh no.
    Subsentient
  • English isn't my mother tongue but

    English isn't my mother tongue but should the title be ......Opulence, I "have" it 2013?, or am I missing something?
    Koymik
    • it seems to me

      that by using the incorrect form, the auther is referring to a. generally low educational level of very rich, b. their lack of respect to laws (language and otherwise), c. their tendency to refer to themselves in third person - like in royal 'we'.
      may be there is anything else I am missing - English is not my first language either.
      ForeverSPb
    • American slang (humorous intent)

      On the Internet anybody who follows rules is boring, so there is constant social pressure to use interesting new words, even when the old ones are still perfectly functional. Some of these new words become popular, and some don't.

      Please google "lolcats".
      SlimSam
    • It's not American slang.

      It's referring to a specific television advertisement for DirecTV starring a fictitious Russian billionaire whose catchphrase is "Opulence, I Has It."

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjWYbcbpiWA
      jperlow
  • I want the dog

    Nuff said.
    brainout
  • IBT

    In before the Scientology folks find this and start defending their "religion".
    lizardspock23@...