Opulence, I has it 2013

Opulence, I has it 2013

Summary: Can't decide on gifts to buy? What if price is no object? What if you “has opulence”, so to speak? With that in mind, I’ve updated the latest revision of my holiday gift guide for the disgustingly and oppressively wealthy.

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  • Opulent Knowledge & Immortality

    Knowledge is power. And he who has the knowledge controls the universe. Can you buy the knowledge to control the universe and your own destiny? You betcha.

    What you want to do is to join ScientologyBecause they have the answers to everything, especially on how you can expunge your engrams, become a Clear, and unlock the ancient knowledge that’s already inside your brain.

    The most critical tidbit that you need to unlock of course is that 75 million years ago, we were all aliens that were enslaved by the galactic overlord Xenu, who flew us to Earth (then known as the planet Teegeeack) and dumped us all into a volcano and blew us up with nuclear bombs where we became disembodied tortured souls that now possess our mortal bodies today.

    Now, all of this is very useful information, but to get to this level of understanding and truly appreciate this, you have to reach “Operating Thetan Level III” which requires years and years of commitment to the Church. But you has OPULENCE, so just like the celebs in Hollywood, you can probably get there with a fixed donation of about $350,000-$400,000.

    Then again, you want to get to the higher Operating Thetan levels after you reach OT-III, so it’s gonna cost you quite a bit more, especially if you need to do it from a Celebrity Learning Centre where you can do it in an accelerated manner with private tutoring. But that’s bupkis for being part of such an exclusive club of folks that possess true understanding of the universe, right?

    Knowledge isn't everything, though. And while Scientology will help give you the mental discipline to ward off diseases and cast off all forms of medication, you’ll still age.

    That's where Cenegenics comes in, to help keep the Grim Reaper away as long as possible. They’ll give you all sorts of private medical consultations, improve your diet and give you a special exercise regimen, as well as special hormone treatments. For a mere $1500+ plus per month, that ain't bad at all.

    Eventually, however, you WILL die. No amount of enlightenment and/or medical assistance and hormonal tweaking will help you then. But there is an answer, and it’s called Cryonics.

    See, one day, perhaps as soon as hundreds of years into the future, we’ll be able to beat death. We’ll live forever and with the help of nanotechnology, we’ll be able to re-animate and reconstruct dead tissue. Better still, we may be able to construct indestructible, android bodies that contain our consciousness that are even better than the real thing. 

    How’s that for a hardware upgrade, eh?

    Well, the problem is, we can’t friggin’ do that now. But if you preserve your body when you die in a completely frozen state where you can’t deteriorate, then the chances of you coming back are… uh… um… well we have no freaking idea. It’s a crapshoot.

    But when you’re ultra-rich, a crapshoot is better than nothing. And Alcor has the answer to that. For a measly $150,000, you can arrange for a full-body cryosuspension, where at the moment of death technicians will replace most of your body’s natural fluids with protective chemicals, after which your corpse will be placed in a Cryonic Dewar, a big metal Thermos containing liquid nitrogen.

    There you will stay for the eons, completely vitrified in a deep cool, until technology has a chance to catch up and revive you.

  • Opulence of Oppression

    To be truly opulent, you need to be able to oppress an entire nation and deprive it of all of its wealth, to the tune of hundreds of billions of dollars. And apparently, that's exactly what Muammar Khadfi, the deposed leader of Libya did.

    What did Khadafi do with all this money? Frankly, the opulence is so extreme that it defies belief and makes our lap giraffe-loving DirecTV Russian mobster or even Donald Trump look like conservative ascetics by comparison.

    Among his many homes, Khadafi built a palace with an integrated bunker that were designed to sustain nuclear attacks. Complete with replica 14th-century furniture, lush gardens, with on-premises amusement park and zoo, and a giant swimming complex. 

    The interior was adorned with murals depicting exotic sports cars and all sorts of other trappings of wealth.

    It was like he wanted to be Saddam Hussein and Michael Jackson all at the same time.

    Khadafi was a crazed, evil leader that was a paradox. In the lavish home of his eldest daughterAyesha, he had a sculpted gold nude mermaid two-seat couch, apparently modelled after Ayesha herself, which exemplified the sick extremes of his excess. 

    At the same time, he actually went and had the furnishings of his dead adopted daughter Hana's bedroom enshrined in glass display cases in sort of a ghostly mausoleum.

    There is opulence, and then there is the opulence of tyranny. Hopefully, we'll never see the likes of this ever again. Although something tells me that we have a few more of these wack jobs to depose before we can say they are all gone.

Topics: Travel Tech, Emerging Tech, After Hours

About

Jason Perlow, Sr. Technology Editor at ZDNet, is a technologist with over two decades of experience integrating large heterogeneous multi-vendor computing environments in Fortune 500 companies. Jason is currently a Partner Technology Strategist with Microsoft Corp. His expressed views do not necessarily represent those of his employer.

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9 comments
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  • RE: Opulence, I has it (photos)

    Maybe someone could photoshop Jason into some of these pics. That's the only way most of us will get to experience this stuff.

    I'd personally take the airplane and some supermodels though.
    gtvr
  • The toy giraffe is the rage

    Spend the money in genetically engineering a tiny giraffe. Oh Yes.
    chrisadams1
  • Or, an army of flesh eating zombie gerbils.

    Oh no.
    Subsentient
  • English isn't my mother tongue but

    English isn't my mother tongue but should the title be ......Opulence, I "have" it 2013?, or am I missing something?
    Koymik
    • it seems to me

      that by using the incorrect form, the auther is referring to a. generally low educational level of very rich, b. their lack of respect to laws (language and otherwise), c. their tendency to refer to themselves in third person - like in royal 'we'.
      may be there is anything else I am missing - English is not my first language either.
      ForeverSPb
    • American slang (humorous intent)

      On the Internet anybody who follows rules is boring, so there is constant social pressure to use interesting new words, even when the old ones are still perfectly functional. Some of these new words become popular, and some don't.

      Please google "lolcats".
      SlimSam
    • It's not American slang.

      It's referring to a specific television advertisement for DirecTV starring a fictitious Russian billionaire whose catchphrase is "Opulence, I Has It."

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjWYbcbpiWA
      jperlow
  • I want the dog

    Nuff said.
    brainout
  • IBT

    In before the Scientology folks find this and start defending their "religion".
    lizardspock23