Just lock your kids up in your basement until they are 25. Tag them with a GPS device in the ear like a cow so you can track their every movement. Do not allow anyone within 300 yards of your children unless they've passed through four background checks by various state and federal agencies. Clothe your kids clothed in Kevlar so it's impossible to hurt them. Keep them under constant video surveillance to make sure Suzy and Johnny don't try to play "doctor"; two 16 year-old kids trying to have sex just means they're both disgusting pedophiles. Schedule out every last minute of their day so that they are always living a good structured life filled with meaningful activities. Monitor and schedule play time with preselected friends chosen after a long series of negations with the parents of other children. Again make sure all other children pass their background checks. Constantly play motivational tapes in the background so that they know they are important, smart, and special. Monitor all of their internet activity to make sure they don't say something bad about a teacher ? or see a boob ? that turns them into terrorists.
Glad I?m not a kid.
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