Oh dear. I'm not a grammar Nazi type, and I fear I'm going to be too harsh here, but, "futuristic cylinder of a box[?]" Boxes are rectangular, not cylindrical. That cylinder (shown in the photo) isn't particularly different from the cylinders I've been seeing all my years and hardly evocative of a future. Now I know what she meant, "The packaging is futuristic with the phone inside a cylinder." (Mind you, I was done with cylinders as the future concept after Year 0 A.P., i.e., After Pringles, but that's old grumpy guy talk.) The next sentence begins with a "but," even though what follows does not refer back to the prior sentence.
Regarding "very unique," we know what the style error is there.
Now I presume that the specifics I called out and the other awkward and run-on constructions were noted and allowed through in order to have authenticity of voice.
Please rethink this for the follow-up blog(s). Working to make sense of the text became tedious for this reader and I stopped trying. For the young women, an important lesson to learn is that critical writing is more than transcribing verbatim what one would say to peers. With a little guidance, we may have their interesting perspective in their own, best words.
Discussion on:
Message 14 of 1
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