Worst pitch of the month: Qpid.me and sharing STD results via text

Worst pitch of the month: Qpid.me and sharing STD results via text

Summary: This month's roundup of terrible PR pitches include using Facebook to find out if a spouse is cheating and "the cubicle walk of shame."

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Or perhaps I should rephrase that as the best worst subject lines because while they certainly caught my attention, the rest of the text was drab if not a complete letdown.

Here are two for your enjoyment and ridicule:

Subject line: Facebook, Is My Wife Cheating On Me?

Facebook’s social search via Graph has put the first nails in the coffin of multiple industries. It threatens to make marketing agencies, detectives, lawyers and more obsolete. Graph tells you the intersection of people, places, photos and interests from a billion members. The outcomes are very different than googling someone since you are getting references rather than simple look ups.

“Graph” is a computer science term for traversing data structures, not just up and down but in any direction.

Facebook Graph users (marketers, jealous spouses, potential employers) could potentially search your past or potential whereabouts, activities, opinions and “friends.” When using search engines people tend to believe the results as “fact” or “news.” The now famous State Farm, “Where’d you hear that?” commercial is a spoof on what happens when fact meets opinion.

I put Graph to the test on two highly talked about items last month. I asked who would win Grammy’s “Best New Artist.” The result “Scotty McCreery” (posted here) is a miss because he wasn’t nominated in 2013 though many people “like” him. I then asked who would win Best Picture for the Oscars (Academy Awards, I tried several variations), with oddly no results at all. Interpreting the results is too much like Fortunetelling. The system has the potential for sowing doubt without enough facts.

The implication is that we must give up more of our privacy to make Graph accurate or take ourselves completely “off the grid.” Cheating spouses and Grammy winners aside, the evolution of Social Search outlines new job opportunities just as the first Internet search engines did.

I am Lawrence I. Lerner (President LLBC, LLC) a recognized and published change agent. Last year I co-wrote ‘Facebook for Your Business.’ In this book I predicted the release of this latest feature in the world of Social Commerce. It’s my prediction that information privacy will be an important platform of the next presidential election.

Please let me know if you are interested in an interview and I will plan accordingly.

Sincerely,

Lawrence

Subject line: The Cubicle Walk of Shame

Yahoo! has stunned the nation by its decision to no longer allow employees to work from home. Is their justification really about efficiency or is it merely a way to micro-manage? Tim Houlne and Terri Maxwell, authors of The New World of Work: From the Cube to the Cloud, offer a unique perspective on this highly controversial topic. They are phenomenal speakers and make entertaining guests.

Please read the following press release and let me know if I may schedule an interview with either Tim or Terri that is sure to be of interest to your audience. Thank you.

[REDACTED]

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

The Cubicle Walk of Shame

Irving, TX, March 13, 2013 - In one of the most stunning, non-progressive moves seen from a technology company, Yahoo! has banned working from home. The justification was to improve speed and quality by working side-by-side as one. This begs the question – is the issue really virtual work or the lack of good management coupled with an inability to capitalize on the virtual work environment?

There is a New Currency:

The truth is that the new currency for top tier talent is freedom. These people came to the realization long ago that gold-watch retirements are a thing of the past, and to ensure a long-term career meant taking matters into their own hands. Since the benefits offered by corporations such as insurance and paid vacations are not part of this new world of work, freedom and flexibility became the desirable traits.

Spend the New Currency with Better Management:

Progressive companies attract creative, productive talent with the way they “manage people,” which truthfully is not to manage people at all. Rather than buy into the “productivity can only be seen” mode of thinking, companies that embrace the virtualization of work product attract that always sought after motivated self-starter.

To capitalize on this new work currency, companies must:

• Manage the process and outcome, not the people.

• Utilize more peer to peer management to encourage collaboration.

• Invest in cloud technology to manage projects.

• Understand virtual collaboration both from a technology and communication standpoint in order to get the best ideas.

• Physical presence does not improve creativity. Creative people engaged in the idea and committed to a solid outcome do.

$2 Bills Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time:

Forcing people to return to a cubicle breeds a level of mistrust. Obviously those who have enjoyed the freedom of virtual work environments will feel that they are not empowered to perform their job on their own. The top tier talent won’t make the cubicle walk of shame. They will simply find another place to commit their talents. Only those who feel they do not have a choice will succumb.

Topics: Tech Industry, Apps, Mobility, Social Enterprise

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3 comments
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  • i don't know

    The Web/text notification for STDs? And just how to they get the information they "report".. a doctor cannot release that to them, so self reporting? And you should trust that?
    The last one, don't know what they are selling. but I do agree, to be a remote worker and then be told I had to start coming in to a cubicle, in Mountain View? I live in San Diego.. heck of a commute! I'd have to pass
    Hmm, Facebook graph cannot even tell you if I am married, not there, have no desire to spread personal information across the known universe.. that is why it is call PERSONAL Information.
    Putertechn
  • Walk of shame is so true

    Our management are all firm believers that if your butt isn't in the chair in your cubicle, you're not working. They grudgingly give us a 9/80 schedule in an attempt to save morale after the 3% pay cut and staff reductions - but then it comes with all sorts of conditions because they don't like it. You have to be available on your day off, but you must schedule any appointments on that day off - you cannot take any time off for doctors appointments or anything else on a workday unless you make up the time. We're salaried! Just hanging around putting in my time for that 'gold watch'...and I'm on to greener pastures.
    NotMSUser
  • Confound them

    "The implication is that we must give up more of our privacy to make Graph accurate or take ourselves completely “off the grid.” Cheating spouses and Grammy winners aside, the evolution of Social Search outlines new job opportunities just as the first Internet search engines did."

    Or, we could just "keep on keepin' on", throwing in the occasional (or not so occasional) incongruous comment, behavior or purchase just to keep the dataminers from getting too cocky and too blindly trusting of their new Delphic deity. Seriously, I wonder if it would be possible to sufficiently "pollute" the dataset to render it useless. How many of us would have to do how much weird and quirky stuff to introduce enough noise to the data to make the whole thing fall down around their ears? Is it even possible? It could be a lot of fun to find out.
    rocket ride