ZDNet UK Ignoble Christmas Catalogue 2011

ZDNet UK Ignoble Christmas Catalogue 2011

Summary: ZDNet UK presents the 2011 Ignoble Christmas Catalogue of products and services that cannot or should not exist, including the iPhone Shuffle and the Canon 4D printer. You won't see these in 2012... probably

TOPICS: After Hours

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  • HP BI AI

    HP BI AI
    HP continues its history of excellence in innovation by making its own Artificial-Intelligence-based Business Intelligence service available to all. Take advantage of the same cutting-edge systems that have driven HP's own market success.

    This masterful data analysis tool uses cutting-edge Bayesian tree technology to fully codify all available data, assigning intensively iterated weighting and conducting best-fit parametric analysis, before arriving at actionable, C-level decision advice that's clear, detailed and entirely barking.

    Image credit: Leifur Einarsson

  • VMware Virtual Virtual

    VMware Virtual Virtual
    VCubed is VMware's next generation of virtualisation excellence. Take all the advantages of virtualisation — enhanced management, lower power consumption, increased resource efficiency — and apply it to virtual machines themselves. By pushing VMs out of the realm of software and into the dimension of fantasy, VCubed finally aligns VMware's marketing message with reality — or what's left of it.

    Virtual virtual machines (VVMs) have no actual existence, and so they are faster to create, simpler to migrate and guaranteed bug-free while suffering no resource contention or compatibility issues. When used with CFOS (the Cloud Fantasy Operating System, itself also built from pure thought and beer), your IT infrastructure will operate as never before.

    Image credit: Leifur Einarsson

  • Intellectual Ventures Project Neutrino

    Intellectual Ventures Project Neutrino
    Patent powerhouse Intellectual Ventures (IV) has issued a suit against CERN over patent 45334134, "A method or practice for travelling backwards in time through focussed neutrinos."

    Although the patent was not filed until after the experimental results that showed neutrinos travelling faster than light, and thus back in time, IV says that prior art does not apply as causality has been violated.

    Company spokesman Susan Foreman said: "Although we normally leave the actual use of our patented IP to our licensees, in this case we feel the ability to retrospectively claim any and all inventions through Project Neutrino will deliver maximum shareholder value by destroying the economy and encourage innovation by completely preventing it." On claims that this was paradoxical, she claimed: "It won't be, as of yesterday, as we see great utility to our licensing community in establishing new grandfather rights through a fundamental recasting of logic".

    Image credit: Leifur Einarsson

Topic: After Hours

Rupert Goodwins

About Rupert Goodwins

Rupert started off as a nerdy lad expecting to be an electronics engineer, but having tried it for a while discovered that journalism was more fun. He ended up on PC Magazine in the early '90s, before that evolved into ZDNet UK - and Rupert evolved with them into an online journalist.

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  • Rupert, this is just absolutely wonderful. Thanks.