Meet the new boss

All change in Downing Street? That's not how it looks from the engine room

FROM: CabinetOfficeITSupport
TO: DowningStreetTech
SUBJ: Incoming!

Hi, Pat

OK — a day to go and the changeover to-do list is looking good. I don't think we really need to load those Arctic Monkeys and Dear Prudence MP3s, do you? And I'll eBay TB's old computer: mint condition, barely used, antique collector's item. It'll be worth even more now I've finally managed to delete that copy of Windows Me that Bill left on his last visit.

About the other matters you mentioned: just between us girls, the spooks still don't know who put the keylogger, Trojan and remote control stuff on the Number 11 system last week. Me, I think there's a clue in GB's new email sig — G0rd0 Teh L33t Pwns UK indeed. Just getting down with the kids, he says. Let it go, I say.

And talking of letting things go, rumour from upstairs is that we'll both be logged out for good soon enough. A new Broon sweeps clean, and all that. I've already had a tickle from the consultants. I dare say you have too. Frankly speaking, I'm tempted. They know what they're doing.

Their plans for the changeover were always months ahead of ours. Did you know that NHS IT and the ID database projects are both well ahead of schedule and working well? No, don't laugh. The new ministers will: the departmental briefings are already PowerPointing their way out of the Square Mile, ready to cut and paste into the receptive minds of our glorious leaders.

It's such a clever way of doing things; when something mucks up, find the only people in the civil service who know what's really going on, say they're therefore responsible and it's out with the gardening leave silver trowel and hints of a CBE down the line. Result! Even with a new team coming in, the groundwork's already been done to keep them in the dark. Masterly. Just don't get sick or on the wrong side of the Egg Marketing Board.

God knows what'd happen if anyone worked this out but, looking at this next bunch, I think the Deity won't be unduly bothered. And you can bet your bottom billion that Her Maj's Loyal Opposition have already been lobbied to within an inch of their G&Ts. Better off out of it, I say. Although part of me would love to be a zombie on the stack when G0rd0 Teh L33t finally gets his fists on the Spreadsheet of Power only to find all the macros have been disabled for security reasons, none of the numbers add up and it's still running on VisiCalc 1.0.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to pick a company car. Anything up to 35k, I'm told, but, if I sign it over to a non-dom private-equity fund, I can get taper relief up to 50. Who says Labour doesn't support the IT industry? Not me!

See you in pinstripe, bro. (It's OK, you can still wear your Sisters of Mercy tee underneath)