Santa’s Workshop - North Pole – December 21, 2007.
At a packed press conference this morning, Santa Claus briefed a crowd of journalists and elves on his new technology-driven Christmas programme designed to bring presents to children around the world using a more tightly managed infrastructure. Using a range of mobile devices and a more intelligently deployed data centre, Santa aims to make this Christmas the best yet.
In higher demand than ever at a wide selection of shopping malls and plazas across the land, the new on-demand “Santa-As-A-Service” solution will mean that grottos everywhere can supply personal appearances to children as when times are busiest. Using his new GPS-powered sleigh, Santa intends to accurately map out his present delivery schedule prior to deploying his reindeer skywards.
Facing an increasing amount of criticism under data privacy laws as he does, Santa aims to store all the names and addresses of the children that write to him only for the appropriate period of time before he shreds them and uses them as reindeer bedding. Using an intuitively built relational database, Santa has been tracking all child behaviour over the last year and will be distributing gifts based on a new algorithmic calculation of whether each child has been ‘naughty or nice’.
“This has been a very rewarding build up period to our main deployment ‘go-live’ session which we envisage putting into place on December 24th,” said Santa Claus. “My elves have been able to bulk order raw materials for present making using a variety of online suppliers and I think we’re well prepared for the big day. I’ve installed a new black box flight recorder on the sleigh so that if I get fed too many mince pies and brandy I can hook in auto-pilot to regional air traffic control beacons and get home safely.”
Using online translation tool software Santa has been able to localise label greetings on all children’s presents. He has also plugged into a variety of social networking sites to see whether children have actually been behaving and in sharing the true spirit of Christmas.
Closing this morning’s press conference Mr Claus added, “I’ve got Frank Sinatra and Bing Crosby on my iPOD, basically I guess you could say I’m ready to go.”