Satire: Help, Dropbox employees are stealing my files!

Too much has been said against Dropbox and its employees regarding file theft. And, here's a bit more.

The following is a work of pure unadulerated satire.- Editor

It must be true because there are so many people in the industry saying so. In fact, I'm out to expose Dropbox for what it really is: A File Stealing Operation. This post highlights some of the suspected culprits with my observations for each and I dare anyone to refute my assertions. I'm tired of the rampant theft of private property, the egregious violation of my privacy and the wholesale lack of good behavior on the part of Dropbox employees. That's right, Dropbox, it's high noon in San Francisco and I'm callin' you out.

For those of you not familiar with Dropbox's band of thieves, please have a look at their mugshots for yourself. All they really lack is overlaid booking numbers from Federal law enforcement. That link opens a new window to which you can refer while I point out the criminal tendencies of each to you. If you mouse over the person's photo, you'll see the lies they've written about themselves.

  • Drew Houston - I'm from Texas and his last name is Houston, so he's clean and naive to the theft. Many CEOs are out of the loop. I'm not surprised.
  • Arash Ferdowsi - A fan of KC Chiefs, he says. Nothing spells insurrection like an admitted Chiefs fan. Arash is the mastermind of the whole file stealing operation.
  • Jon Ying - No photo. Of course no photo. Says he is a native Kansan. Is that near Kabul, Jon?
  • Albert Ni - Somewhere there are geeky knights saying his last name. That freaks me out more than him stealing my files, which he does.
  • Michael Nagy - Teaches computer courses. A front for teaching decryption to fellow employees.
  • Second row, left to right - Looks like a lineup from the CSI episode: Dropping in on Dropbox.
  • The Recruiting Team of Sperling and Beatty - Where do you find your recruits girls? The Al Qaeda Phonebook?
  • Look at that next row of so-called Engineers - Probably majored in Reverse Engineering at MIT and are working on my files right now. Martin Baker probably sells my files for money to buy more bow ties.
  • Alex Sydell - Mr. All-American boy and an admitted "hacker." Don't let that boyish face fool you, he's evil, pure evil. There's video on YouTube of his head spinning all the way around. OK, I made that up. Still, he's evil.
  • Sander Lewis - Another fresh-faced, innocent-looking dude prowling through your private business. See where it says he "speaks a bunch of languages" and "visits random foreign countries." You draw your own conclusions from that one. I'd put him on a "No Fly" list if it were up to me.
  • Ryan Kaplan - Obviously from Detroit and only eats raw, wild animal flesh. Raised by Lions, indeed. Who are your real parents, Comrade?
  • Alicia Chen - When she isn't knitting cats, she steals your files. And, she's a Microsoft spy.
  • Allison Louie - Don't let that sweet perfect face of hers trick you. She recruits file thieves. In her spare time, she reads an encrypted version of "50 Shades of Gray."
  • Seth Cole-Rose - From Montana, where that bomber guy was from, eh? Those are probably X-ray glasses that he uses to see into my files.
  • Kyle Consalus - He spends his ample spare time paging through your files looking for juicy gossip for his blog: Here's Looking at You, Kid.
  • Molly Strong - Look at her in that Sombrero. She's obviously working for the Medillin Cartel and trading your files for Guacamole.
  • Panda - They aren't even hiding the fact that they hire Chinese dissidents for their ranks. Look at him in that picture poring over your files. I'm glad my youngest son understands Mandarin so I'll know when you're talking about me, "Panda."
  • Dimitar S. - Bulgarian. MIT. Do I really need to say it explicitly? KGB. There, I said it. Deny it if you dare, Dimitar.
  • Akhil Wable - Listens to The Doors for inspiration while decrypting files entrusted to him by Dropbox customers.
  • Gaelle Vituret - Don't be distracted by Gaelle's beauty, like I have been for the past 36 hours, she's from France and a master file-stealing she-devil. Clever recruiting there, Dropbox, well played.
  • Robert Watson - Fellow Texan living in Texas Hell (San Francisco). Don't worry, Robert, help is on its way. I'm sending the Texas Rangers.
  • Morgan Knutson - Look at him looking over his shoulder as someone snapped that picture just after he heard the words, "On the floor, dirtbag, we're the FBI!"
  • Benito Bellot - Self-proclaimed guru and winner of the 2011 John Galecki lookalike contest. You're not fooling anyone Benito, we know you're stealing Kaley Cuoco's files right now.
  • Ryan "The Pearl" Pearl - File counterfeiter and decryption specialist. His goal is to expose corporate secrets for fun and profit.

So, there you have them. Some of the most despicable among Dropbox's ranks. Now, you can put a face to the people behind your file theft. It should give you new confidence that you can actually point out the criminals by face and name.

OK, after a bit of fun, I hope you realize how silly it is to think that Dropbox employees would actually steal your files. First, they don't have direct access to them. Second, they only look at them in the case of a court order from a criminal investigation. I think it's pretty narcissistic for anyone to think that their files are so important that anyone would want to take the time to risk their job to locate, decrypt and then sell, expose or misuse them in some other way. Just plain silly.

To help dispel the silliness, Dropbox has written up a full page titled, "How Secure is Dropbox?," where they discuss their policies, security measures and employee access. And, in the Dropbox Blog, you can read for yourself more information concerning security. In the topmost post, they provide detailed explanations of their Terms of Service, compliance with law, privacy, encryption and the perennial favorite, employee access.

Dropbox serves more than 50 million users worldwide. I am a proud Dropbox user. In fact, I couldn't do what I do without Dropbox. It is an essential service for me. Because now, I can be 100 percent mobile and have access to all of my most important documents and photographs. I can also upload files to my account from anywhere.

Dropbox provides a secure, inexpensive, cloud-based storage service that works. Although they didn't grant me the interview I requested, because frankly, I think they're quite tired of rehashing the same questions and information multiple times, I am now, and will always be, a Dropbox fan.

There are so many naysayers out there who want to douse the flames of a successful company. I find it disgusting that industry pundits, reporters, technology writers and observers would put down a company that's doing something good. It is, in part, due to jealousy. I think some people hate it when others succeed.

People put down those who accomplish and their accomplishments. Think about how many people dish out negative commentary to Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Larry Ellison and others who blaze trails, who give us the technology that we want and who work hard to make our lives better. For some reason, the fact that they make a profit while doing it really bothers a lot of people. Instead of spending your time bashing those who make a difference, here's my advice to you:

Shut up and do something constructive with your time.

Dropbox employees are not stealing your data. They have lives. They have better things to do than to pilfer through pictures of your dogs, through the pages of your half-written novels and bits of your ill-conceived poetry. They don't care to do that. Grow up people.

Dropbox provides a great service to millions of people. It's too bad you or I didn't think of it. If you don't want to use it, don't use it, but don't fuel the FUD fires with more adolescent nonsense while you sit there doing nothing. Nuff said.

Note: I don't know anyone personally at Dropbox. The people listed were picked randomly and for no good reason except that I thought it would be funny to do so. I mean them no harm. It's all in fun. I hope that the people in the list have a sense of humor about it. The real message here, in case you didn't get it, is that Dropbox is a great service and it really bothers me when people who know nothing about anything throw stones at it for no good reason.

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