Sex in driverless cars will be the next big thing, say scientists

UK researchers claim that the coming of driverless cars will be a fine location for carnal pleasures. What is the world coming to?


Now what's going on in there?

Image: Toyota

I felt a shudder.

As the Washington Post began to describe the findings of the drily-, slyly-titled Autonomous vehicles and the future of urban tourism, I worried about the article's bent.

You see, it began by suggesting that driverless cars will "give people a new place to have sex. Possibly for money."

I fear the Post should get out more. People already have sex in cars. They've done it for quite some time, often in quite some discomfort.

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Now, however, researchers from the University of Surrey and Oxford University apparently foresee a whole new dawn of possibility.

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Taxis will be gone, say the researchers in a report to be published in January. Car manufacturers will create more spacious interiors, given that humans will be lolling around, doing nothing.

Which leads these large brains to conclude: "It is just a small leap to imagine Amsterdam's Red Light District 'on the move.'

What a wonderful world it will be.

There we'll be, sliding down the highway at low speeds -- my prediction is that driverless cars will make traffic worse, not better -- and constantly peering out of the windows to check whether someone in another car is having sex.

The driverless car will become the rolling PornHub.

Worse, how will we ever know if the people having sex in the outside lane are a happily married couple or a neighbor who's hired a prostitute?

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The moral dilemmas this will cause.

The researchers claim that society will attempt to control this rampant driverless concupiscence.

"While [driverless cars] will likely be monitored to deter passengers having sex or using drugs in them, such surveillance may be rapidly overcome, disabled or removed," they say.

Please imagine you and your lover are flying along at 30 mph and you hear a tap on your window. It's a motorbike cop telling you to cut it out.

So many ramifications still seem unsolved. How will all these people merrily enjoying carnal pleasures on the freeway keep their seat belts on?

What if the car steams up and the technology suddenly can't steer the car safely?

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The driverless car has always struck me as sadly similar to so many Silicon Valley creations: it hasn't been sufficiently thought through.

It will cause more problems than it solves. It will make us more miserable. It will engender conversations that will border on the absurd.

Let's get in the car and go and see grandma, darling.

Not tonight. I have headache.

I suppose there will be one business for whom this driverless car sex will be a boon: the people who clean the inside of your car.