20 off-the-wall emails from the technically clueless

Here at TechRepublic, our editors get lots of email--questions, compliments, criticism, and plenty of spam. We do our best to respond.
But sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we just can't decipher what the sender is asking for. And other times, what they're asking for is illegal, impractical, or just bizarre.?Here's a look at some of the more interesting ones. I've blacked out the names and email addresses to protect the innocent (or clueless).
Just know that my goal is not to discourage people from asking questions. Rather, I hope these emails encourage those with legitimate questions to do a little leg work before hitting the Send button. Browse the TechRepublic blogs and forums. Use our site search to find material relevant to your query. Or at the very least, enter your question into a search engine. If you're still unable to find a solution (and your not asking for an Windows XP CD key), then by all means, ask away.
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Captions by Bill Detwiler

This email is a great example of someone making an impractical request, while at the same time being lazy. TechRepublic has tons of articles, free downloads, and even paid products to help members get the most from Excel. And there's ton more information around the Web. All you have to do is look.
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Captions by Bill Detwiler

We get lots of requests for Windows product keys. But, this individual didn't even take the time to ask.
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For millionth time, no.
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This person wants to know if there is any information about Windows 2000 and Lotus notes on the Web. Nope. Nothing. Only MS DOS and Edlin.
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Captions by Bill Detwiler

If I read this email correctly, this individual built a bare-bones computer and is having trouble with the monitor. So they can put the computer together, but can't troubleshoot a monitor problem?
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I think this individual wants to block the USB port on his Linux servers, but he wrote "to get access." I'm already confused.
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Here's a good example of someone who needs to be a bit more specific with their question. What links--email, websites, chat sessions? Are you having trouble with links on specific sites? All site? I would like to help this person. Honestly, I would. But, this is a computer troubleshooting rabbit hole.
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Another person that I would love to help, but I'm not exactly sure what they need. Is the password not working? Do they not know their user name? Did they try to use the recovery CD? Is the recovery CD from the vendor or a Windows recovery CD?
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I'm flattered. But, this can't be for real.
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I'm not sure what this member means by "Your stuff," but if his traffic isn't "that bad" then I'm sure he has nothing to worry about.
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This individual wants to know if an international project has ever failed due to a lack of project management? What more can I say?
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Captions by Bill Detwiler

The individual has a few simple questions about the job market for netadmins in South Africa. TechRepublic has lots of IT career content, but there are entire books written about just the first two questions alone.
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This want to be the best system administrator possible. Please start by learning how to use a search engine.
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TechRepublic is available 24-hours a day, 365 days a year. Unfortunately, I have to sleep.
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This person either wants a free registry cleaner (something a quick Web search would find) or wants us to clean out their registry at "NO CHARGE."
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I don't really know if this individual is asking a question or just ranting about his computer. And, what does he mean by Microsoft Voice--Voice Commands, Outlook Voice Access, Voice Recognition?
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This individual has a worn product code sticker and wants us to activate and validate his software from here.
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I don't even know where to begin with this one. Someone who's been a sysadmin for six months should have SOME idea about what type of hardware and software their company needs.
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Apparently this newly-minted CCNA wants to know "more about the it industry."
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Captions by Bill Detwiler