Classic Steve Jobs disses you can put on your next resignation letter
Whether you're quitting or being kicked out, leave it to the late Steve Jobs to say what's really on your mind
Searching for a really good burn?
Steve Jobs was never one to mince words. Borrow one of these lines when you no longer care about keeping your job.
"You've baked a really lovely cake, but then you've used dog s--- for frosting."
Steve Jobs just misses the compliment sandwich when discussing a NeXT programmer's work.
Find this story in The Second Coming of Steve Jobs by Alan Deutschman.
"That's the kind of Porsche that dentists drive."
Jobs leveraged this burn to BusinessWeek's Kati Hafner in a parking lot, as recounted in The Second Coming of Steve Jobs.
"You make some of the best products in the world- but you also make a lot of crap. Get rid of the crappy stuff."
This was a suggestion to Nike's Mark Parker, per The Innovation Secrets of Steve Jobs.
"This company is in shambles, and I don't have time to wet-nurse the board. So I need all of you to resign."
This was Jobs' I'm-rubber-and-you're-glue response to being fired by the board.
"Look, I don't know who you are, but no one around here is too important to fire besides me. And you're fired!"
Jobs said this to a guy in an elevator for providing an insufficient answer to the question "So, what have you done for Apple lately?"
However, the man Jobs was attempting to fire was not, in fact, an Apple employee.
Checkmate.
"Do you want to spend the rest of your life selling sugared water or do you want a chance to change the world?"
Do you think this question, posed to PepsiCo's John Sculley in 1984, was rhetorical?
"Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble."
Jobs loved to ask shocking interview questions like "When did you lose your virginity?" and, "How many times have you done LSD?"
He also mercilessly mocked candidates as they struggled for answers.
"Okay, but the notice is retroactive from two weeks ago."
There's nothing quite like getting laid off by this guy.
"It's better to be a pirate than join the Navy."
This quote was delivered as advice to his Macintosh team, a small and unique group within the much larger Apple corporation.
"The products suck! There's no sex in them anymore!"
And this nugget of wisdom comes from a 1997 issue of BusinessWeek.
"You guys don't know what you're doing. I'm going to get someone else because this is f----- up."
When Jobs incorrectly believed that Apple's advertising agency Chiat/Day had gotten a color wrong in ads for the Bondi Blue iMac, he berated his own friend and colleague Lee Clow over the phone.
This incident is recalled by Walter Isaacson in his Steve Jobs biography.
"Being the richest man in the cemetery doesn't matter to me..."
Jobs made it clear that he wouldn't be satisfied trading money for creative satisfaction to CNN in 1993.
"Be a yardstick of quality. Some people aren't used to an environment where excellence is expected."
Jobs certainly had a very tall yardstick for excellence.
"I've never known an HR person who had anything but a mediocre mentality."
Charming!
"Everything you have done in your life is s---! So why don't you come work for me?"
Jobs posed this question to Bob Belleville. This story is recounted in Walter Isaacson's Steve Jobs.
"My job is to say when something sucks rather than sugarcoat it."
Jobs wrote this in his book Motivating Thoughts of Steve Jobs.
"There's no yacht in my future. I've never done this for the money."
This quote, a subtweet before subtweets were a thing, came in an interview with The New York Times.
"I want to put a ding in the universe."
Jobs broke out this one-liner frequently.
"You think I'm an arrogant ass---- who thinks he's above the law, and I think you're a slime bucket who gets most of his facts wrong."
Jobs kickstarted a 2008 interview with the New York Times with this gem.
"Sometimes when you innovate, you make mistakes. It is best to admit them quickly, and get on with improving your other innovations."
This was one of Job's "12 Rules of Success."