Dial-up diary: erotically fast broadband

Nearly one year has passed since I first organised the broadband and phone line into my (now previous) house. After moving in to my brand new house today, I am astounded as to how different the experience has been.

Last year it took 29 days to successfully install broadband into the house; consisting of a phone line which automatically activates once you ring up British Telecom, the main telecommunications provider in the UK, and a small router in the corner of your house.

This year, it took 4 days, of which only 2 hours of that was noticeably obvious.

I had a date to move into my new house being today, the 7th May, so a few days ago I spent a few minutes setting up my phone line with BT. In a separate phone call to my existing and now current Internet provider, O2 Broadband, it only took 20 minutes to go through the motions.

A physical phone line was already in my house. The only problem I faced was getting an actual phone socket; a key to the mighty door that is super-speed broadband. Without a socket, I can have everything in place except a hole to plug the wires into.

Disaster strikes.

I ring up BT in an utter panic, asking them, begging them to help me out. A beautifully sounded Scottish lady spoke to me and informed me of the fact, it was indeed BT's responsibility to have at least one socket, the "master" socket installed in the house. Not only would it be free of charge, it would be done " within the hour".

My heart skipped a beat with joy, ecstatic at the thought of being connected to the world wide web once again. A gentleman appeared at the door brandishing weapons against the wall, ready to take on battle with the wiring's and fixtures. A drill sound here, a hammer there, a cup of tea and a cigarette and all was well. The socket was installed and I was pleased.

As my subtle flirts with the gentleman ensued, playing the dumb idiot card when it relies on lack of knowledge to technology; him unaware of my clear understanding of routers, networking tables and the in's and out's of broadband, he inserts the RJ11 cable into the master port on the router.

A gentle hum, a slight simmer of communication emanates through the single green flash on the dashboard of the router. A single bleep from my BlackBerry indicating a new wireless network had been found left me slightly weak at the knees. I browse for a moment, not entirely sure why I hadn't quite clocked onto the fact, that 16MB broadband was channeling over the airwaves, causing my palms to become sweaty and damp at the thought.

Have you had a broadband hell? Do your ISP's or phone companies take advantage and slowly but surely grind you down to dust? Do you feel slightly aroused at this story?

If so, you need help. Other than that, leave a TalkBack.