Do you have IM etiquette?

It has been pointed out to me--forcefully at times--that I spend more time talking online, usually via instant messages, than I do interacting with people whose voices I can hear or whose hands I can shake.

I've been IMing for more than 15 years, ever since I was an early adopter of America Online's buddy lists. I've continued because instant messaging is incredibly useful. I think it's a boon for a dispersed workforce (of which I'm part), a great way to stay in touch with friends, professional contacts, and coworkers. I even use it during my radio show to "talk" to my producer, Chuck Fishman, while the program is in progress.

But while I think instant messaging is great, I'm the first to admit it has its challenges and limitations. As my friend Larry Magid puts it, instant messages are to e-mail what e-mail is to a formal letter. IMing is a very limited communications tool that sometimes works fine and other times, well...

FOR EXAMPLE, just yesterday I had to discuss something with my manager. So I alt-tabbed over to Yahoo Messenger (our default client) and typed in a simple "Hi." I've found that a quick hail like that--"Hi," "Hey," or, when I'm feeling expansive, "You there?"--is the best way to avoid wasting time IMing with someone who isn't actually there (or simply can't or doesn't want to answer).

The major IM clients are supposed to detect and then tell you whether someone is actually at his/her computer. They succeed to varying degrees: MSN/Windows Messenger and AOL Instant Messenger (AIM) work quite well, but Yahoo Messenger is prone to showing people sitting at their desks who are nowhere to be found.

So my boss (Pat Houston, Vice President in Charge of David Among Other Things) responds back with a "Hey!" OK, handshake completed, I started typing in my message, conveying some less-than-good news one line at a time. I'm about four sends deep into my missive when I notice that Pat isn't responding to anything I'm saying.

Now, long pauses are common in IM "conversations"--maybe they're multitasking or they get a phone call or an office visitor. But in this case it turned out that, between his response to my hail and the beginning of my actual message, Pat had to leave his office.

I INTERPRETED the ensuing silence as deep contemplation of what I was saying. I continued with a stream of messages, anticipating and answering the questions I was sure he was formulating as he read. When he returned to his desk, he read all of my messages at once, complete with answers to questions he'd never asked.

I have another coworker with whom I have very occasional, but quite serious, chats over IM. We discuss journalistic ethics, critique each other's writing, and so on--the sort of conversations that, in a real-life newsroom, can be hard to find time for and, if you do, can lead to screaming fights.

What makes these chats useful is that we're writing--as opposed to speaking--and rereading before we hit the send key. It also helps that IMing usually (but not always) flattens out emotion. For whatever reason, I always learn from these discussions and tempers fray far less than they would in person.

I know people who sit a couple of cubicles away from one another, in the same office, for whom IMing is the preferred means of communication. It allows them to multitask, occasionally putting the conversation on hold as circumstances demand, and is more private than a discussion in an office where everyone can hear everyone else.

THE POINT IS that, while IMing is a great communication tool for me and many of the people I know, it can just as easily lead to miscommunication. Which is why I offer a few of my favorite rules of the IM road:

• Just because they aren't answering doesn't mean they're ignoring you. Especially if it's someone you chat with fairly often--familiarity means never having to say, "I'll be back in a minute." Of course, sometimes they are  ignoring you--as a purposeful snub or simply because they're busy. It's hard to tell the difference.

• If the person's PC speaker is turned down, they probably won't notice your IM. My speaker is down most of the time, because I'm on the radio and don't want the mike to pick up a bunch of IM alert sounds. When I forget to turn the sound back on, it looks like I'm ignoring people.

• Ever noticed that IM conversations never seem to end? You start talking and maybe the other person is or is not really at their computer. And when they respond, it may be a day later when they notice you're back online. It's like having a face-to-face conversation, in v e r y s l o w m o t i o n. Or, more aptly, it's like interacting with someone who uses one of those Stephen Hawking artificial voices: The content is there, but the emotion is flattened out.

• That said, what little contact I have with friends in Dallas, where I grew up and lived until moving to the Valley, takes place as a string of instant messages. These conversations never really end. One friend and I talk almost exclusively about professional indoor soccer, often in a series of one-way IMs while the other is away from the computer.

I love instant messaging. It is more convenient, and more efficient, than picking up the telephone. But it is not without limitations. My best advice for IMing: Always give the other person the benefit of the doubt. No, they didn't mean to offend. No, they really aren't as stupid as that last message makes them seem. No, they aren't ignoring the messages on purpose.

Of course, all of those statements could be false--maybe they really were meaning to be offensive, maybe they really are stupid, maybe they really are ignoring you on purpose. If that's the case, well, it's not that hard to edit your buddy list, now is it?

What do you think? Do you use IM a lot? Have any IMing tips? TalkBack to me below.