The Most Insanely Great Thing Since Sliced Bread: iMatzoh
The iMatzoh, which Apple describes at "revolutionary unleavened technology" builds upon 5700 years of Hebrew baking methods.
Moscone Center, San Francisco, California: In a surprise press briefing and announcement, Apple Inc., just two days ahead of its historic iPad launch, released a new product which it bills as a revolution in unleavened bread consumption: The iMatzoh.
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The presentation began like any other from Apple in recent years, with CEO Steven Jobs taking center stage. But unlike the iPad announcement, Jobs sat at the center of what appeared to be a long table set with foodstuffs, conjuring up religious symbolism.
Apple CEO Steve Jobs with industry executives and technology reporting media at the iMatzoh launch, April 1, 2010.
"Why is this product announcement different from all other product announcements?
I grew up in the suburbs of California, but I was brought onto this Earth as someone of Semitic origin" began Jobs, with a tear in his eye. "My biological mother was a Jew, and my father a Syrian. So my blood has yearned for perfect Kosher for Passover breads every waking moment of my life."
The audience predictably applauded in astonishment.
"The iMatzoh experience is light. You can hold the entire loaf in one hand." said Apple CEO, Steve Jobs, waving the magical cracker in front of the audience. He then went on to explain that this was the product he was most proud of in his entire career at the company, and discussed the merits of his competitors in the space.
"Manischewitz, Streits and OSEM have done a great job in the past, as have our Lubavitcher friends in Brooklyn with the Shmurah and their orthodox design which they haven't altered since the exodus. But we stand on their shoulders with what I think is an even better unleavened experience."
The iMatzot come in a custom engineered cardboard box created by Apple's industrial designers and are exported from a secure, protected Kosher-certified IS0 9000 bakery in Shenzen, China. They come 18 to a one pound box, and are individually wrapped in micro-thin foam in order to protect them from breakage.
Unlike other Apple products this will not be available with an Applecare plan, although at the bargain price of $17.99 per box, it is surprisingly the most inexpensive product that the company has released to date.
The iMatzoh comes in original "paste" flavor, unsalted, onion, roasted garlic, sun dried tomato, yolk-free, whole grain, spelt and chocolate-covered. iMatzoh Accessories, which will not be available until next Passover, will include an entire line of iToppings from the iEats store: iCharoses, iGefilte and iHorseradish.
An appetizer, finger-sized version, The iMatzo Nano, will also be available. New York-based Kosher monopolist Manischewitz, which occupies approximately 90 percent of the Kosher for Passover market, immediately launched litigation claiming prior art with their Tam Tam product. Manischewitz representatives could not be reached for comment.
iMatzoh can be pre-ordered on the Apple web site for in-store pickup at Apple stores today. Local supermarkets are expected to carry only approximately 24 boxes each of every flavor, so prepare for long lines at the checkout counter and immediate shortages.
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