The top 12 amusing technology quotes of 2012

Summary:From the cringeworthy to downright funny, tech industry leaders and firms have come out with some interesting quotes this year.

Tech industry leaders and firms have come out with some amusing quotes this year. From Oracle and Sun software to Judge Lucy Koh within the Apple v. Samsung court case, what are your favorites from this year?

1.) Are tech firms on crack?

In a Californian courtroom, the Apple v. Samsung copyright infringement battle was overseen by Judge Lucy Koh. However, after a number of changes, increasing paperwork filings and Apple's attempt to book too many witnesses in the last few hours of their allotted preparation time, Koh  lost the plot  at the iPad and iPhone maker. 

"I am not going to be running around trying to get 75 pages of briefings for people who are not going to be testifying. I mean come on. 75 pages! 75 pages! You want me to do an order on 75 pages, (and) unless you're smoking crack, you know these witnesses aren't going to be called when you have less than four hours."

2.) So much for politics.

Twitter CEO Dick Costolo, ever the politician, identified successful tech firm Apple as a "friend", whereas Facebook's position as a rival to the microblogging site labeled it an "enemy". The CEO said that Twitter and Facebook were two "very different sites," but compete for the same revenue streams. 

"Apple is our mentor, Facebook is our enemy."

3.) Eric Schmidt, the master of subtlety. 

Google's Eric Schmidt, interviewing Stephen Colbert concerning a new publication when visiting Google, eventually crossed the topic of Google Maps. Apple's rival offering -- as mentioned below -- has not received the best press, and has faced criticism in the light of errors and flaws, even going far enough for police to warn against its use. However, when Colbert commented that Google's offering is better, you can enjoy Schmidt's response:

"Google Maps are phenomenal." "Yep, ask an Apple user."

4.) Apple screws up.

Following on from Google's commentary on Apple Maps, CEO Tim Cook acknowledged that the tech giant's offering was not up to scratch. In an interview with Bloomberg, Cook admitted that the service had many flaws, saying:

"We're putting all of our energy into making it right. And we have already had several software updates. We've got a huge plan to make it even better. It will get better and better over time. We screwed up. That's the fact."

5.) The kings of customer service

Oracle president Mark Hurd has said that he wants to try and "make it easier" for customers to do business with the firm, as the complexity of contracts and licensing agreements were met with criticism by the software company's clients. However, while defending Oracle, Hurd was less than complementary about rival Salesforce, which was founded by ex-Oracle employee Marc Benioff:

"Salesforce.com doesn't make any money. They just spend money like crazy. At some point, some shareholder is going to ask them, 'Hey, this thing ever, like, show up with any cash?' I don't know why anyone would buy a stock that doesn't make money."

6.) Let's hope coffee was available in the courthouse.

Everyone outside the Apple v. Samsung case may have been interested in the global copyright infringement battle, but for long-suffering judge Lucy Koh, the proceeds held the risk of sending the jury into a coma

"I need everyone to stay conscious during the reading of instructions, including myself, so we're going to stand up occasionally to make sure the blood is still flowing."

7.) "Hello World?" Nah. "The competition have nothing."

Oracle's Larry Ellison may have 34,343 followers on Twitter, but a single lone tweet has been his only offering in June this year:

"Oracle's got 100+ enterprise applications live in the #cloud today, SAP's got nothin' but SuccessFactors until 2020."

8.) Nice one, Samsung.

In a batch of internal Samsung emails released evidence within the Apple v. Samsung court case, one email in particular which documented a design meeting mentioned a design spec in relation to one of Samsung's tablets:

“Since it is too similar to Apple, make it noticeably different starting with the front side.”

9.) That's one way to describe Sun hardware.

The continual spat between HP and Oracle reached new heights this year when a released instant messenger conversation brought to light an Oracle sales executive describing Sun hardware thus to a human resources manager:

"Nobody wants to sell Sun. It baaaalllllooooows."

"Pig with lipstick."

screen-shot2012-05-17-at-090621

10.) The keynote verdict on Steve Ballmer

After learning that Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer would not be giving the keynote speech at CES in 2013, and instead Qualcomm CEO Paul Jacobs would be filling the slot, Roger Kay of Endpoint Technologies was asked whether the replacement lacked any of the charisma of Ballmer. His response?

"Ballmer had something, but I'm not sure it was exactly charisma. He was loud."

11.) Having a baby? What's the fuss about?

Yahoo's new CEO Marissa Mayer's comments about motherhood ended up going viral and made the rounds across every social networking site. Of course, we can't compare our situation with hers as the CEO of a multibillion-dollar company -- and she may have felt pressure not to say it was tough due to this -- but it didn't stop the Internet outrage.

"The baby's been easy. The baby's been way easier than everyone made it out to be."

12.) It may not be from 2012, but no tech quotes list would be complete without input from Steve Ballmer

"I'm going to f---ing bury that guy, I have done it before, and I will do it again. I'm going to f---ing kill Google."

Topics: Tech Industry, Mobility, Oracle, Software

About

Charlie Osborne, a medical anthropologist who studied at the University of Kent, UK, is a journalist, freelance photographer and former teacher. She has spent years travelling and working across Europe and the Middle East as a teacher, and has been involved in the running of businesses ranging from media and events to B2B sales. Charli... Full Bio

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