If you haven’t heard the news, Jerry Seinfeld has recently been hired to do an entire campaign of advertisements for Microsoft. When I learned of this, I thought of a classic Seinfeld episode that could be re-enacted, with only a few minor dialogue changes to bring it up to date. Enjoy.
[Opening Monologue, in comedy club]
JERRY: …And who aaaaaare these Mac and Linux people, anyway? They have to be so different from everyone else? What’s with this whole “Alternative Operating System” thing? I don’t get it. Can’t they just use Windows?
[Scene 1: Jerry and Elaine are at a computer store's "Repairs and Upgrades" desk. Jerry had to get his laptop fixed, and is waiting to get it back.]
(The technician comes back with the laptop. Jerry boots it up to see if everything is ok. Soon, they discover something is definitely amiss)
JERRY: Boy, do you smell something?
ELAINE: Do I smell something? What am I, hard of smelling? Of *course* I smell something.
JERRY: What is it?
ELAINE: I think it’s Vista!
JERRY: What?
ELAINE: It’s Vista. The *technician* must have put Vista on it.
JERRY: It *can’t* be. Nobody has an Operating System that smells like this.
ELAINE: Jerry. It’s *VIS-TA*.
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JERRY: But the whole laptop is affected. The performance is terrible, and all my memory is being used up by system processes I didn’t have to contend with on Windows XP. And all this extra glitzy GUI stuff that I don’t need. And not all my existing 3rd party apps are running right either.
ELAINE: So?
JERRY: So when your computer is working perfectly with the older “O.S.”, when you upgrade, the “O” is supposed to be a foregone conclusion.
(They each hold their noses and run outside and try to get some fresh air. They come back inside. They moan disgustedly and run outside, again.)
[Scene 2: Jerry's Apartment, the next day]
JERRY: So, this morning I go down to the computer store again to have the laptop checked out. I figure by this time, the odour molecules have had at least twelve hours to de-smellify. I boot the sucker up, and like a *punch* in the *face*, the stench hits me– it’s almost as if it had *gained* strength throughout the night…
ELAINE: Y’know I can think of at *least* six known offensive odours that I would *rather* smell than what’s livin’ in your computer.
JERRY: What about skunk?
ELAINE: I don’t mind skunk.
JERRY: Horse manure?
ELAINE: I *loooove* horse manure.
JERRY: Well, I’ve never seen anything like this in my life. In fact, I went to my local IT expert, he wants 100 dollars an hour to tweak all the settings on Vista, upgrade the memory to 4GB of RAM, and get the smell out. I’m not payin’ for that. That’s not my responsibility. In fact, I’m drivin’ up to that computer store now, and *demand* they pay for it.
ELAINE: Absolutely.
(Kramer Enters)
JERRY: What’s the matter with you?
KRAMER: Steve Ballmer! He’s ruinin’ my life…
JERRY: Oh yeah, Ballmer…
KRAMER: I don’t think I can take another OS release with him, Jerry. He’ll just make Windows 7 another Vista re-hash, with new wallpaper and icons, and a new version of Internet Explorer and Windows Media player..
JERRY: I know the list…
KRAMER: What’s that smell?
JERRY: What smell?
KRAMER: Ooooh… You stink.
JERRY: Whatd’ya mean I stink?
KRAMER: You *stink*. Why don’t you go take a shower?
JERRY: I showered! Oh, wait a second… Since I showered, I’ve been using my laptop!
ELAINE: So?
JERRY: Don’t you see what’s happening here? It’s attached itself to me! It’s alive!
ELAINE: If it attached itself to you, then… Oh, my God! That’s why Carl said he had to get up early! Because I stink! Jerry, he thinks I have Vista too.! Me!
GEORGE: BZZZZZZZT!
KRAMER: What happened?
JERRY: What happened? My new laptop with Vista *stinks* is what happened. And it’s destroying the lives of everyone in it’s path.
[Scene 3: In the car, driving back to the computer store. George is playing with Jerry's laptop.]
GEORGE: What is that? Microsoft’s latest OS?
JERRY: Yeah.
GEORGE: This is *unbelievably* bad smell.
JERRY: I know… I was talking to the head of PC support this morning at work and the guy told me in his 20 years in the business, he’s never smelled anything like it.
GEORGE: So, let me ask you. Do you think I could have done this?
JERRY: No, no. It’s Microsoft.
GEORGE: No, no, I mean, driving Susan to Linux.
JERRY: Oh… No, that’s ridiculous.
GEORGE: What if her experience with me *drove* her to it?
JERRY: Suicide, maybe, not Linux.
GEORGE: Ubuntu? The OS she’s “Linuxing ” with? Susan told me she’s *never* been with an Open Source OS before.
JERRY: There should be a software squad that patrols the city like a “Stinky OS Gestapo”. To sniff ‘em out, strip ‘em down, and wash them with a big, soapy brush…
GEORGE: Y’know, the funny thing is, somehow I find her more appealing now… It’s like if I knew she was a Linux user when we went out, I never would’ve broken up with her.
JERRY: Lemme see if I understand this… On second thought…
[Scene 4: The Computer Store]
(At the computer store, Jerry, refuses to have his laptop fixed by the same technician.)
JERRY: Here he is… that’s the guy! No, thank you, go back… go back… I’ll fix it myself! You go back!
(Inside, he confronts a snooty fanboi-type guy, the Store Manager.)
FANBOI MANAGER: What do you mean– “stunk up”?
JERRY: I mean the Operating System *stinks*! George, does the computer stink?
GEORGE: Stinks.
JERRY: Stinks!
FANBOI MANAGER: Well, perhaps *you’re* the one who has the stink…
JERRY: Hey, I’ve never smelled in my *life*, buddy!
FANBOI MANAGER: Really? Well, I smell you now.
JERRY: That’s from Vista!
FANBOI MANAGER: Well, maybe *you’re* the one who stunk up the laptop, rather than Vista!
GEORGE: Oh, it’s the chicken and the egg…
JERRY: Thank you very much… Well, then boot up my laptop; see which smells worse.
FANBOI MANAGER: I don’t have time to smell laptops.
GEORGE: Forget about smelling the laptop. Smell the Operating System. Go to the source…
JERRY: You’ve gotta smell the Operating System.
FANBOI MANAGER: I’m a busy man.
JERRY: C’mon! One whiff!
FANBOI MANAGER: Alright, one whiff…
(After interacting with the OS, the store manager realizes there is some reality in Jerry’s story)
FANBOI MANAGER: Alright! I give up! I admit it! It stinks! Now will you take this horrible OS away from me!
JERRY: Alright, will you pay for the cleaning?
FANBOI MANAGER: Okay! Okay! I’ll get it re-installed without any OEM crapware and throw in 2GB of extra RAM!
[Scene 5: George and Susan are dining at a Chinese restaurant.]
GEORGE: I know what you’re going through. Women. Who knows what they want?
SUSAN: I just don’t know what she sees in *Mac OS X*.
GEORGE: Listen. You’re beautiful. You’re intelligent. You’ll use other Operating Systems…
SUSAN: You think so?
GEORGE: Yes, I know so. You happen to be a very eligible Linux user.
SUSAN: You’re very sweet…
GEORGE: Hey, I know what I’m talking about. I gotta be honest with you, I gotta tell ya… Ever since I saw you using Ubuntu, I can’t get you out of my mind.
SUSAN: Really?
GEORGE: Yeah, you’re just so… hip.
[Closing Monologue]
JERRY: Why do we need Vista? What is the function of it? Everything in nature has a reason, has a purpose, except Vista. Doesn’t make any sense-spend hundreds of millions — billions – in development and marketing dollars, run countless user acceptance tests, work with the ISVs and OEMs to make sure everything works — only to come out smelling very bad. This is the way Microsoft OSes are now designed. You upgrade, you smell. Why can’t our personal computers help us? Why can’t Windows smell good? It’d be a different world, wouldn’t it?
What Seinfeld episode comes next for Microsoft? “Master of the Vista Domain?” or perhaps “The Poofy OS”? Talk Back and let me know.
