How to Get Rich Quick and Make TONS of Money With SEO!

How to Get Rich Quick and Make TONS of Money With SEO!

Summary: If you've ever wanted to make money online, there's no faster path to a fat bank account than with SEO and this post will show you how! Get rick QUICK!

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TOPICS: Browser
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If you're looking for a way to get rich quick, SEO (Search Engine Optimization) is absolutely the way to go. It's so incredibly EASY to make bucket-loads of cold, hard cash with SEO! All you have to do is follow the checklist below, then sit back and marvel at yourself as you amass riches beyond your WILDEST DREAMS!

1 - No matter what, you absolutely CANNOT care about others; just yourself! You must pretend to care about others, but you must refrain from actually caring about them.

2 -You can ONLY care about money. And yourself. You can only care about money and yourself... but mainly money.

3 - Barely learn the basics of SEO, then start referring to yourself as an "SEO guru." The people will follow.

4 - Create a Web site, post a bunch of "I rule at SEO" awards and badges that do not link to anything, then get your site ranking for long tail keyword terms like "SEO guru is cooler than a pack of Camels and you will be too" and "SEO guru is really Luke Skywalker's father because Google says so." It won't take you any time at all to rank for them and you can use them to show prospective clients that you can take them to the top of Google because you rank first in Google for not just ONE, but TWO awesome keyword terms! Plus, your one term says you will make them cooler than a pack of Camels. Who could resist throwing money at you to make THAT happen!?

5 - Put into practice ONLY the things that are supposedly outdated and call it a new method: OES (Optimized Engine Stuffs). For instance; tell clients that PageRank is all that matters and that if they see green in that bar, then they're golden! If they don't see a green bar, then tell them it's because they don't have enough keywords stuffed in their meta tag. This will make you sound all smart and "SEO-y" 'n stuff. Translation: CHA-CHING!

6 - Convince everyone to ignore folks like Rand Fishkin, Wil Reynolds, Matt Cutts, et al because what the heck do THOSE guys know, anyway!? Psh. Nothing, that's what! You, on the other hand... you're going to make BANK!

7 - Create a WSO (Warrior Special Offer) that's comprised solely of rehashed content from Google's SEO Starter Guide and sell it to unsuspecting victims (refer to point 1 above). Your status as an "SEO guru" automatically gets a +1 for this.

8 - When you build links, just use the following list of excellent link-building comments. Rinse and repeat between that list of 20 and that's all the work you'll ever have to really put in.

9 - Last but not least, make sure your clients know that there is no way to track the work you've done for them. Tell them that SEO is magic and you're like David Copperfield... only without your own TV specials, because SEO is just, "way too amazingly-amazing to be seen." Tell your client that Google called you and told you said client is now officially, "cooler than a pack of Camels."

BONUS: If all else fails, you have a mega trump card at your disposal. Just tell your clients that for one large fee (something like $2.2 million* should suffice but make sure they know this is an investment into their future!), you will call Google up personally and tell them to make sure your client's site is indexed in Google and will be ranked first for every term they want to rank for. Clients fall for it every time. Done and done!

Start opening that Swiss bank account, because you're done! That's it! If you want to be one of the select few who can say you became a bajillionaire because of SEO, just follow the steps outlined above and you'll be good to go! You can safely contribute to everything that's wrong and misunderstood about SEO while reaping the rewards. What could be better!?

Please tune in next time where I show you how to make a KILLING with affiliate marketing! You'll have great fun and earn GINORMOUS cash by taking advantage of people's insecurities and using fake bank account screen shots. Acai berry, MOVE OVER! The REAL cure to cancer is the tears of little children! Oops... I'm giving away my HIGHLY lucrative secrets way too soon. *wink, wink*

*If the client can only afford $30 instead of $2.2 million, just go ahead and accept that. This will all play into the illusion that you actually care about them.

(Sadly, this sarcastic post isn't too terribly far off from a methodology many "SEOs" have used to earn a full-time living in this industry. Should you ever be approached by anyone offering the "services" you see on the list above, run for your life. That is all.)

Topic: Browser

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43 comments
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  • refreshing!

    good job for exposing bogus experts and gurus.
    Linux Geek
    • Thanks!

      @Linux Geek

      Thanks for the feedback! I'm glad you found it "refreshing" and I certainly hope others do as well. Thanks again!

      -Stephen
      StephenChapman
      • RE: How to Get Rich Quick and Make TONS of Money With SEO!

        @StephenChapman This is exactly how I feel about most "SEO gurus". I honestly think there are probably a few basic principals, with most of them having to do with due diligence in the first place. If a development team is aware of the basic principals and begins knowing that SEO is important SEO will be quite painless and probably not cost more than a few developer hours + a few marketing hours.
        snoop0x7b
  • This is bad advice

    SEO is so pass&#233;<br><br>Want to help the lazy unscrupulous unskilled bastard turn a fast buck? Tell him/her to refer to him/herself as a Social Media Consultant or, better still, a "Social Media Guru." There's where the money is now, or so they say.<br><br>Social Media Consultant is the new title you should be using if you want to make money but are unskilled and unable to do anything of value and totally unwilling to develop a few skills.

    And, of course, network like mad to build strong connections with the right kind of <del>people</del> <ins>suckers</ins>, and remember, you need them real stupid if you are to successfully part them from their money.
    OS Reload
    • RE: How to Get Rich Quick and Make TONS of Money With SEO!

      @OS Reload

      Touche! Charging $500 to set up a Twitter account does have the potential to make someone an absolute fortune! lol.
      StephenChapman
  • Thanks for the laughes

    I've been telling people this for years. Unfortunately I'm not as good as telling the story as you are. This is by far much funnier than anything I can come up with.

    2x Thumbs Up.
    JJ_z
    • RE: How to Get Rich Quick and Make TONS of Money With SEO!

      @JJ_z Thanks for the feedback and I'm happy to read you enjoyed it. =) I'm sure this won't be the last one of these that I do... I absolutely loathe that approach to SEO and marketing in general!
      StephenChapman
  • RE: How to Get Rich Quick and Make TONS of Money With SEO!

    I am rolling on the floor! Well done! You nailed it in a nutshell!
    omb00900@...
    • RE: How to Get Rich Quick and Make TONS of Money With SEO!

      @omb00900@... Thanks so much for your comment and I'm glad you enjoyed it! =)
      StephenChapman
      • RE: How to Get Rich Quick and Make TONS of Money With SEO!

        @StephenChapman hello ther....how are u? im really interested in ths stuff....can be my mentor how to earn money online? here is my email dekdek70@yahoo.com hope to hear u soon......
        edward0131
  • Dr_Zinj: The Intellectual Redneck

    Jack-of-All-Trades, Master of None.
    Next to Wikipedia, the best place to start asking questions.
    All questions actually read guarranteed an answer.
    All questions currently being accepted at the low introductory rate of only $1500 per hour.
    Any questions answered involving cement blocks, firearms, or animal-based fertilizers will receive a 10% discount!
    Dr_Zinj
    • Here's a question for you, Dr_Zinj, let's see how well you get out of it

      @Dr_Zinj <br><br>Question: What can we do to help bring Microsoft to the 21st Century?<br><br>P.S. Forgive me if I'm being too hard on you but remember, this is a smoke test, if you pass this one you'll be ready and field tested to answer any question no matter how hard.
      OS Reload
      • Dear OS Reload:

        Dear OS Reload:
        The 21st Century began on January 1, 2001 and will end on December 31, 2100. Since we are currently between those two dates, and Microsoft is cotemporal with us, then the company is already in the 21st Century.
        Of course since their business practices are byzantine (~324 AD ? 1461 AD), their management practices are feudal (roughly 1000 AD ? 1300 AD), and their software coding is labyrinthian (27th century through 15th century BC corresponding to the Minoan Civilization, or 1588 when the term was supposedly first used in English literature), this all accounts for why the company appears to be so chronologically dysfunctional.
        Don?t know if cement blocks were used in the construction of the labyrinth, but since the minotaur was supposed to be caged up in it, I presume it was filled with bull excrement. This entitles you to a double 10% discount. So this answer will only cost you $1200! Congratulations!
        d
        Dr_Zinj
    • RE: How to Get Rich Quick and Make TONS of Money With SEO!

      @Dr_Zinj

      Question: Will I receive a 30% discount if my question involves all three; cement blocks, firearms, and animal-based fertilizers?
      StephenChapman
      • RE: How to Get Rich Quick and Make TONS of Money With SEO!

        @StepDear Stephen:
        Of course! It?s easy to be magniminous with other people?s money.
        henChapman
        Dr_Zinj
    • laptop gia re

      I get the calls all the time! Quoting outdated practices or black hat practices. Search engines are fairly good and finding content. Have good content and you will get listed. www.mega-buy.vn
      phungdiep
  • Hilarious!

    What's really hilarious here are the ads in the right column of this page for exactly the kind of "gurus" that Stephen is profiling in his award winning treatise! How ironic is that?
    spambox@...
    • RE: How to Get Rich Quick and Make TONS of Money With SEO!

      @spambox@... Thank you for your kind words and good call with the ads! Yes, that is terrific, indeed. I suppose there's additional irony to be found in the fact that some of them are using SEM to promote their SEO-only services. =)
      StephenChapman
  • As a website owner

    I get the calls all the time! Quoting outdated practices or black hat practices. Search engines are fairly good and finding content. Have good content and you will get listed.
    stano360
    • RE: How to Get Rich Quick and Make TONS of Money With SEO!

      @stano360 Thank you for your comment! It's good that you can tell what's outdated or black hat, because many cannot (which I hope to change). I'm working on a post to throw up here soon about content and I think you will find it agreeable as well. =)
      StephenChapman