How to Get Rich Quick and Make TONS of Money With SEO!

Summary:If you've ever wanted to make money online, there's no faster path to a fat bank account than with SEO and this post will show you how! Get rick QUICK!

If you're looking for a way to get rich quick, SEO (Search Engine Optimization) is absolutely the way to go. It's so incredibly EASY to make bucket-loads of cold, hard cash with SEO! All you have to do is follow the checklist below, then sit back and marvel at yourself as you amass riches beyond your WILDEST DREAMS!

1 - No matter what, you absolutely CANNOT care about others; just yourself! You must pretend to care about others, but you must refrain from actually caring about them.

2 -You can ONLY care about money. And yourself. You can only care about money and yourself... but mainly money.

3 - Barely learn the basics of SEO, then start referring to yourself as an "SEO guru." The people will follow.

4 - Create a Web site, post a bunch of "I rule at SEO" awards and badges that do not link to anything, then get your site ranking for long tail keyword terms like "SEO guru is cooler than a pack of Camels and you will be too" and "SEO guru is really Luke Skywalker's father because Google says so." It won't take you any time at all to rank for them and you can use them to show prospective clients that you can take them to the top of Google because you rank first in Google for not just ONE, but TWO awesome keyword terms! Plus, your one term says you will make them cooler than a pack of Camels. Who could resist throwing money at you to make THAT happen!?

5 - Put into practice ONLY the things that are supposedly outdated and call it a new method: OES (Optimized Engine Stuffs). For instance; tell clients that PageRank is all that matters and that if they see green in that bar, then they're golden! If they don't see a green bar, then tell them it's because they don't have enough keywords stuffed in their meta tag. This will make you sound all smart and "SEO-y" 'n stuff. Translation: CHA-CHING!

6 - Convince everyone to ignore folks like Rand Fishkin, Wil Reynolds, Matt Cutts, et al because what the heck do THOSE guys know, anyway!? Psh. Nothing, that's what! You, on the other hand... you're going to make BANK!

7 - Create a WSO (Warrior Special Offer) that's comprised solely of rehashed content from Google's SEO Starter Guide and sell it to unsuspecting victims (refer to point 1 above). Your status as an "SEO guru" automatically gets a +1 for this.

8 - When you build links, just use the following list of excellent link-building comments. Rinse and repeat between that list of 20 and that's all the work you'll ever have to really put in.

9 - Last but not least, make sure your clients know that there is no way to track the work you've done for them. Tell them that SEO is magic and you're like David Copperfield... only without your own TV specials, because SEO is just, "way too amazingly-amazing to be seen." Tell your client that Google called you and told you said client is now officially, "cooler than a pack of Camels."

BONUS: If all else fails, you have a mega trump card at your disposal. Just tell your clients that for one large fee (something like $2.2 million* should suffice but make sure they know this is an investment into their future!), you will call Google up personally and tell them to make sure your client's site is indexed in Google and will be ranked first for every term they want to rank for. Clients fall for it every time. Done and done!

Start opening that Swiss bank account, because you're done! That's it! If you want to be one of the select few who can say you became a bajillionaire because of SEO, just follow the steps outlined above and you'll be good to go! You can safely contribute to everything that's wrong and misunderstood about SEO while reaping the rewards. What could be better!?

Please tune in next time where I show you how to make a KILLING with affiliate marketing! You'll have great fun and earn GINORMOUS cash by taking advantage of people's insecurities and using fake bank account screen shots. Acai berry, MOVE OVER! The REAL cure to cancer is the tears of little children! Oops... I'm giving away my HIGHLY lucrative secrets way too soon. *wink, wink*

*If the client can only afford $30 instead of $2.2 million, just go ahead and accept that. This will all play into the illusion that you actually care about them.

(Sadly, this sarcastic post isn't too terribly far off from a methodology many "SEOs" have used to earn a full-time living in this industry. Should you ever be approached by anyone offering the "services" you see on the list above, run for your life. That is all.)

Topics: Browser

About

Stephen is a freelance writer and blogger based in Charlotte, NC. His contributions to ZDNet cover topics related to security, gaming, Microsoft, Apple, and other topics of interest with a tech/SMB skew.

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