New Year's resolutions for telcos

You wake up at 12 midday, feeling as if your mouth has been genetically re-combined with shagpile carpet. You vaguely remember recently consuming a huge amount of alcohol, smoking several packets of cigarettes, and the decayed remains of a beef kebab are fondly cradled in your right hand.

Oh, and there's someone you don't recognise naked in bed next to you.

You know the feeling. It's New Year's Day.

Odds are most Australians have been in a similar situation at least once in our lives ... do we really need to wonder why we suddenly feel the urge to swear in half a dozen New Year's resolutions in a desperate attempt to purge ourselves of all our weaknesses?

Now while corporate and public bodies such as telcos and regulators aren't technically prey to the same weaknesses listed above, there is still a lot they can undertake to help themselves become better at what they do.

In this spirit, your writer has this year undertaken to compile a list of New Year's resolutions for the Australian telco industry, to help them become better entities.

Telstra: Reduce stress at work
The nation's biggest telco spent 2006 flinging mud at its competitors, the government, regulators, journalists and so on. It's time for the big T to start drinking chamomile tea and having scented baths to calm down.

iiNet: Quit smoking
After what appeared to be a nicotine-fuelled 13-year dream run of growth and acquisitions, iiNet imploded last year and will need to spend 2007 weaning itself off cigarettes to keep its blood pressure down.

Optus: Move out of home
In 2007 Optus needs to wean itself from loving parent SingTel. This could involve spending hoarded pocket money on new networks and moving into student digs in North Ryde.

Internode: Volunteer to help others
Australia's most geeky telco has technical issues down pat ... perhaps it could enrol in an exchange program for six months and help Telstra with its woes.

The Australian Competition and Consumer Commission: Get a better job
Getting paid a public sector wage to listen to everyone complain about how much power Telstra has over them must suck.

Vodafone: Cut down on partying
No other carrier has singing and dancing young men and women wearing red lycra at their Monday morning press conferences. Enough said.

Hutchison: Get a girlfriend
Being able to access Playboy from your mobile phone is obviously not healthy. Hutchison desperately needs to start dating more.

Primus: Start going to the gym
In March last year Primus hired a personal trainer to help knock it into shape. Of course the company described it as "business improvement", but it's obvious Primus wants to get those sculpted abs ready for beach season.

TPG: Travel overseas
By now large portions of TPG's call centre operations are located in the Philippines. So why not move the whole company there for a few months? A bit of sun and great cuisine could help the ISP relax before it gets down to the serious business of rolling out its ADSL2+ network.

Powertel: Learn a new language
Teething troubles with equipment supplied by Chinese vendor Huawei probably could have been avoided if PowerTel had enrolled in a few semesters of Mandarin.

Unwired: Save money
Australia's WiMAX champion could have avoided being so close to the breadline if it had paid more attention when the Dollarmite was talking in primary school.

What are your New Year's resolutions? Giving up smoking or trying to lose weight? Post your confessions below this article.