BillG's wonderful life
In the movie "It's a Wonderful Life," the character played by Jimmy Stewart gets a redemptive opportunity to see how his world would be different had he never been born. After watching that holiday favorite for the umpteenth time, I got to wondering how Bill Gates' most miserable year might have turned out if he had received an opportunity for a do-over.
After a bit of noodling, I came up with the following cast:
America Online CEO Steve Case would play the part of evil Mr. Potter. Microsoft exec -- and Johnnie Winter look-alike -- Jim Allchin gets the nod for the character of the forgetful Uncle Billy.
Chicago Judge Richard Posner, who oversaw the unsuccessful mediation between the two sides, is a cinch to play the guardian angel Clarence. Company uber-flack Mark ("It's a good day for Microsoft") Murray gets to play the role of drunken Mr. Gower, while MIT economist Richard Schmalensee plays the role of Nick the bartender.
Scene: Schmalensee's bar on a snowy December evening.
BillG: Boy, it's cold out there. I could sure use a belt. Hiya, Dean S., how 'bout a double whiskey for me? What about a drink, Judge?
Posner: Hmm, smashing idea. I'll have a Shirley Temple, extra large.
BillG: Hey, I need to check e-mail. Where's the computer in this joint?
(Enter Dean Schmalensee)
Schmalensee: (Motioning with a growl in his voice) Over there in the corner.
BillG: Thanks ... But this system -- where's Active Desktop? Where's Internet Explorer. Where's my C drive? Everything's all messed up. Nick, what the heck is /dev/hda1?
Schmalensee: Hey, what am I -- tech support now? Call your IT department if you need help and leave me the heck alone!
BillG: Jeesh, what's got his goat?
Posner: Well, Bill, you remember how the company got split into pieces after that DOJ verdict? He went to bat for your company big time in the trial. But after Microsoft lost, his reputation went from bad to worse. For a while, he wound up working as a soda jerk in the local Orange Julius. This gig is probably a step up for him. Anyway, he's a Linux guy now, and the less said about Windows and Internet Explorer, the better.
BillG: Sorehead. I couldn't understand those charts he trotted out during the trial no how.
(A hopelessly drunk Mark Murray, sporting a large button with a Sun logo that reads "The Network is the Computer," staggers into the bar.)
BillG: Ohmygosh, what happened to Murray? He's gone over to the Dark Side!
Posner: That's right, Bill. He was your most loyal soldier during the trial. He was out there every day on the courthouse steps dealing with those jackals from the press.
BillG: Did a helluva job doing the party-line thing. Rated a big promotion when it was all over.
Posner: Yes, another true believer who took the judge's breakup order mighty hard. He never got the promotion because your stock price went to hell in a handbasket, and now he's now chapter chairperson of the Washington State Scott McNealy Fan Club.
BillG: No!
Posner: You could have stopped things before they got out of hand. I tried to get you to split the difference with the other side, but would you listen? Nooooo.
BillG: Listen, my good legal beagle; Joel Klein can polish that chrome dome of his and --
Murray: (Slurring words) I b'ish everyone here a happy St. Patrick's Day.
BillG: It's Christmas, Mark.
Murray: Christmas, St. Patty's Day, Feast of the Cat People, whatever. I don't think I know you, but do you want a discount coupon to learn Java?
BillG: Yikes! He's completely gone.
Posner: I'm sorry, Bill.
BillG: Let's get the heck out of here. How about a lift back to the office?
Posner: We can try.
(A half hour later, and they turn onto a street called AOL Avenue. They look up at a large billboard of a smiling Steve Case holding up a PDA.)
BillG: Hey, this used to be One Microsoft Way. What happened?
Posner: Well, after the company got split into pieces, AOL became thecompany in the industry. It had the device market along with the old Netscape business -- integrated, by the way -- and customers just wanted things made easy for them.
BillG: It was all Allchin's fault. That idiot couldn't remember the time of day if his life depended on it. I should never have let him go up against David Boies.
Posner: Allchin's now running the Netscape business for AOL. He came up with the idea to embed Navigator everywhere. He would have pushed that idea to completion for Microsoft. But there wasn't a single company after the breakup order. So he flew the coop, so to speak.
BillG: Lousy coder anyway. I always preferred Brad Silverberg, anyway.
Posner: You see, Bill, you've had quite a wonderful life.
BillG: Posner, take me back. I want to try to work it out this time.
Posner: Your wish is my command. ... Boy, the things you have to do these days to get your wings!