Trump knows space aliens exist, says security expert

As we lurch toward the end of an horrific year, news emerging from Israel should lift the hopes of all those in tech.
Written by Chris Matyszczyk, Contributing Writer

What does he know? And when did he know it?

We feel some suspicions so strongly that we don't really need Hollywood to confirm them.

We just need an expert or two with exceedingly good credentials.

For so many years, humans have speculated -- even hoped -- that we aren't all there is. Because how dull that would be.

Fine organizations such as SETI have constantly attempted to make contact with aliens. If only they'd had the right phone number. If only they'd talked to Donald Trump.

Please, I'm not attempting to make political hay in a field of dreams. Instead, I've been moved, you see, to celestial rapture by the revelations of Haim Eshed, a retired Israeli general, a professor, and three-time winner of the Israel Security Award.

As The Jerusalem Post reported, Eshed revealed that there is a Galactic Federation. Israel and the US have been conversing with it for years. I'm not sure whether emojis may have been involved, but I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case.

It seems that the US and the Galacticos have an underground base on Mars, because you can't be too careful who might turn up on Mars at any given moment. It could be Antifa. It could be Elon Musk. 

It's unclear what the US and their spacey counterparts may be working on underground. Eshed insists, however, that President Trump was recently about to reveal that these aliens exist.

However, the Galacticos persuaded him not to reveal their existence because it would cause worldwide panic not seen since Tom and Nicole split up.

I failed to elicit a response from the White House as to the potential veracity of Eshed's claims. President Bill Clinton, however, once confessed -- in what some might think a knowing way -- that if aliens had visited Earth he wouldn't be at all surprised.

His wife Hillary also felt it likely that aliens have already been among us. She mentioned no names.

87-year-old Eshed explained it was OK to talk about alien things now because academics are far more open. "If I had come up with what I'm saying today five years ago, I would have been hospitalized," he said in an interview with Yediot Aharanot.

I find myself both skeptical and immensely uplifted.

Naturally, the skepticism comes from wondering whether there really is a Galactic Federation and whether the president might have played golf with its members. (And whether the Galacticos could swing four golf clubs at once and score even better than former North Koean leader Kim Jong-Un.)

Eshed isn't even the first security luminary to have offered such confident revelations. Canada's former defense minister, Paul Hellyer, explained in 2014 that he'd personally seen UFOs and that aliens have actually provided us with much of our modern technology.

He added that the ET folks would happily give us far more technology, but hate the fact that we're always fighting down here.

The mere idea that there really is something beyond our meager boundaries is cause for many in the tech community to redouble their efforts to look above and beyond our Earth.

Yes, Musk and Jeff Bezos have already been muttering about setting up colonies out there in space. Surely, though, at least Musk could use his influence with Trump -- Bezos doesn't have quite the same sway -- to get a meeting with the Federation.

After everything we've witnessed over the last four years -- and especially during this one -- surely we're ready for a human-alien summit.

I'm sure Bill Nye is available to chair it. As is Kanye West.

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