commentary A lot of people are still wondering how to master social media — so to help you get started here are seven easy-to-follow steps to ensure you embrace this exciting new world (actually it's the same old world, check your Atlas if you don't believe me).
1. Buy a computer
Social media exists online and the only way you're going to get there is to go out and buy a computer. With the advent of the "personal computer", they're a lot cheaper these days. So don't be put off with outdated ideas of mainframes and punch cards.
2. Plug it in
You're likely to have powerpoints somewhere in your home. They're normally down at the skirting board. Find your TV, follow one of the wires out the back. If you haven't followed it all the way up onto the roof (that'll be the aerial) then chances are you've reached a powerpoint. Look for another one of those and find the bit that came with the computer that fits in there.
3. Connect to the internet
What you might not have realised is that the internet starts right at your phone socket. It's been there all along. It holds a wealth of information that can be easily accessed, so stop waiting for it to come out in paperback and connect right up. You'll meet all sorts of fascinating people — some of whom have forgotten to put clothes on.
4. Open a Twitter account
I tried to open a Twitter account at the post office. I can pay my electricity and phone account there, but they told me that they don't do Twitter, and you don't have to pay anyway. It's free. Imagine that. Instead, do it online. On your open web browser type twitter.com where it currently says www.naked-and-lusty.com.
5. Type a tweet
Write something about what you're doing now. Unfortunately, because of this advice, 25 per cent of tweets consist of someone saying "writing a tweet", but get beyond that and say something interesting. Name drop. I always pretend to know Iggy Pintado and that always seems to get attention — at least from Iggy.
6. Organise a speaking event
You've done it. You are now a full-fledged social networker. That entitles you to charge to help others to do the same and book yourself into a myriad of speaking engagements where you can glibly drop expressions like paradigm-shift, online conversation and active engagement. Don't forget to also mention that if Facebook was a country it would have a huge problem with asylum seekers.
By now you're probably immensely rich. Particularly if you've cracked the Murdoch approach to Twitter, where you charge people to follow you. By the way, if too many people follow you for too long report them to the police. They're just scary.
Want to know more? Come along to my presentation "How I Got Rich Talking About Social Media", in the Seychelles a week on Saturday — tickets are $1000 each, plus airfare and accommodation (mine and yours).
Phil Dobbie is the host of Twisted Wire and obviously has too much time on his hands since becoming a successful social media expert.