Only 17% of Apple AirPods owners have sex while wearing them
It's become normal. Depressingly normal.
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Walk down any street in any downtown and you'll see them pouring out of office buildings, all with the requisite uniform.
No, not just the backpack and the smug grin. There's also the AirPods, dangling from their ears.
Last year, I pleaded with all those AirPod-wearing beasts of modernity to consider whether having a personal soundtrack all day -- and night -- was really the best way to live.
It wasn't just rude when, say, a store clerk was talking to you while wearing a single AirPod. It's that they really do look sillier than John Cleese's walks.
It's taken a while, but I've found some hope.
It seems that some AirPodists have realized there's a time and a place for everything.
Some people likely find them erotic to look at.
I base my joy on a survey of 1,010 Americans, almost 60% of whom were millennials. The survey was performed by event ticket site TickPick.
The core of the research was to discover the influence of music on sexual behavior. Clearly, anyone brought up on the sound of Sexual Healing will appreciate the bond between two such vital components of our culture.
The research intoned some shocking results. Why, it seems that those whose preferred genre is country music were the most satisfied with their sex lives. The most dissatisfied? Pop music listeners. (But of course.)
It will surely surprise no one that those who love electronic dance music had the highest proportion of sex fetishists. (The survey didn't record how many worked in tech.)
Many areas were mined in this research, some that you might only find on HBO.
The most hopeful element, though, was that a mere 17% of AirPod owners wore them during sex. Or, rather, admitted to wearing them during sex.
While I find great uplift in learning that 83% of AirPod owners actually take them out before sex, the researchers offered a more disturbing angle. At least, when it came to the remaining 17%.
They said: "For those who still care for their partner despite musical differences, modern technology may come in handy.
Seventeen percent of Apple AirPod owners had sex while wearing them. The wireless earphones could offer simultaneous enjoyment of wildly different music tastes, although this is just one scenario."
The one scenario the researchers could point to was the desperate quest to listen to your own music while you make sweet music with your loved one?
Had they not considered that there are already so many lost humans who simply never take their AirPods out for any reason?
Not business meetings, not dates and certainly not church.
Keeping your Airpods in is like keeping your eyebrows on. It's not a choice, it's merely natural behavior.
The notion, though, that it might only be 17% of the population that's a lost cause should be a signal for Apple to intervene, something Cupertino has delighted in of late.
At the very least, Apple could put a warning sign on the AirPod case that reads: "Not to be worn during sex. If you have a heart, that is."
Perhaps Apple could also develop technology that automatically cuts the AirPods' sound out as soon as sighing and heavy breathing is detected -- although this might be upsetting for runners.
We can't let this 17% figure get any bigger. It's not just that wearing AirPods discourages ear-nibbling.
It's that if both parties lose one while in flagrante, how will they know whose is whose?
And what could be more disturbing that going home with someone after a fascinating evening's banter, only to find a lone AirPod in their bed? One that isn't theirs.
Please think, AirPodists. Love is love, after all.