While many bloggers and mainstream tech pundits are pulling together their legitimate “Best of 2008” column or “Trends for 2009” predictions, I thought I’d take a different approach this holiday season. I’d like to send best holiday wishes to those tireless workers (and their army of 24/7 zombie computers) who craft the spam that fills up our in-boxes.
1) My first wish goes out to a group of people who all seem to know me but I’ve nonetheless never met. Apparently, we’re somehow related as I’ve been mentioned as a potential inheritor to many of their estates. I hope all the relatives of those people who died in Nigeria, Sierra Leone and other places where the dearly departed left over $1 billion this year alone in special bank accounts are able to find a way to get those monies released without me. You know, your heart has really got to go out to these people who need so many of us to give them our bank info just so they can get some of that cash for themselves. Good luck to all of you!
2) I’d also like to wish a great 2009 to all of those Asian pharmacies who seem to think I need a lot of Viagra. I don’t need the stuff but thanks for asking. Maybe next year, you folks could afford a spell checker so that you can spell all those brand names, like Cialis, the way the manufacturers intended them to be spelt.
3) I’d also like to thank all those folks who emailed me about their lists of doctors and dentists. I hope that next year I can figure out why you think these are valuable. I have a Yellow Pages book at the office that lists hundreds of MDs right here where I live.
4) I’ve also got to thank those spammers who are writing on behalf of the FBI and its Director, Mr. Mueller. Nothing says you’re a ballsy spammer than by spoofing the very agency that investigates these things. Here’s hoping 2009 brings you more oversight from the real FBI.
5) Let’s all send a big wet-one to those dauntless spammers that asked us to confirm our bank accounts. How did we exist all those centuries without electronically verifying the accounts we didn’t even have at banks we don’t even do business with? Thank goodness spammers were on the job here!
6) I’d also like to single out all those spammers who thought I had bought something huge on EBay and forgot to pay for it. Thank goodness they emailed me right away so that I could get my money order or PayPal payment to those needy sellers in Romania.
7) Santa also wanted to get a shout out to those spammers who pitched us all those multi-level marketing opportunities this year. If our house didn’t already have so much junk in it, we might have bit on those offers. Maybe next year fellows…
8) Just today, a lady emailed multiple times telling me that she is selling goods in Europe to people in Asia. Apparently, she needs my help to cash all those checks and money orders that she’s getting. Unfortunately, I don’t use a bank and my mattress can’t process foreign currencies. If only they made an EFT enabled Posturepedic?
9) To all those spammers who think I need breast (or other body parts) enlarged, be advised that the doctor wants me to lose weight these days not put more on. Thanks for asking though.
10) (And last but seriously) Kudos to the folks at Knujon for doing a great job of reducing spam for all of us!