The parable of the Spireware

Our lesson today comes from the Book of Malware
Written by Leader , Contributor

And it came to pass in those days that the Symantites sent out an edict to all the land, forbidding the use of spyware, viruses, trojans and other plagues and afflictions.

And Norton, the angel of vengeance of the Symantites, alighted on the computers of the vicars of the tribe of Lam-Beth, that is to say, the Church of England, and smote them mightily, even though there was no sin with them. And the software of the vicars, that which they had bought from the heads of their tribe, turned up its toes and was dead.

And the vicars came unto the heads of the tribe and said: Your software is riddled with spyware. What hath you wrought?

The heads of the tribe of Lam-Beth scratched their beards, and looked upon Norton, and saw that it was not good.

The tribe of Lam-Beth said unto the Symantites: Your evil spirits have cast their spell on our software, and declared unclean that which ought to be clean, and it is naughty. Hear our prayer and deliver us.

And the Symantites stopped up their ears and said: Nah-nah-nah. We cannot hear thee, neither shall we lift up our phones, neither shall we answer thy emails, not until four Sabbaths hath passed. We have had thine money, now go forth and multiply.

There was much wailing and clattering of keyboards, and the vicars of the tribe of Lam-Beth said unto themselves: how shall we divine the flower arranging rota now? For Mrs Smith will think it is her turn, and Mrs Bryant will think it her turn, and there shall be much smiting with handbags, yea, even as the sun riseth in the east.

But the Symantites heard them not.

And the tribe of Lam-Beth was sore afflicted, and the flowers next to the pulpit wilted, for there was none to moisten them. We have put our faith in false gods, said the vicars, and we are being punished. Let us gird our loins and visit the foul pits of the land of Jor-na-Lists.

The hacks of the land of Jor-na-Lists said: "Ah yes, the Symantites. We know them of old. Our halls ring night and day with the howls of the oppressed who labour mightily to make that software work. Let us go unto the Symantites and waggle our finger at them, and not for the first time neither.

And they journeyed forth and came to the land of the Symantites and said unto them: Why have you been so nasty to the vicars?

The Symantites said: The problem hath been fixed. They never talked to us, so we said lo! all is well. And anyway, who are you going to believe, us or a bunch of vicars?

The hacks said: Thou really needest to ask us that?

Now you're being anti-Symantec, said the Symantites.

Dost thou want us to smite them some more? the hacks asked the vicars.

No, said the vicars. We forgive them, for all is now well.

And the hearts of the hacks grew heavy, for they had secretly hoped for a jihad, but it was not to pass, and they went back to casting lots about the Vista launch date and other signs of the End Times.


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