Photos: Star Wars iPhone running Vista, WiMax

I can't wait for the new iPhone to come out — mainly because I'm so dog-tired of listening to the never-ending screeds of rumour mongering nonsense speculating on what functionality the device will have that come out every single day. So I've decided to join in. I'm 100 per cent convinced the new iPhone will run Vista and have WiMax connectivity. In fact I'd bet my house on it.
By Jo Best on
1 of 11 Jo Best/ZDNet

And that's the just the start of it: here are my other rock-solid bets for what we can expect to see from the next-gen iPhone. (By the way, if you've got any ideas of your own, email them to edit@zdnet.com.au.)

2 of 11 Jo Best/ZDNet

Videoconferencing's earliest pioneer: Princess Leia. Star Wars saw her try out an early version of video chat. It didn't really work out. The picture quality wasn't great and the platform didn't look overly stable to me.

If only Leia had got her priorities right. A little less grovelling to Obi Wan, a little more "Help me Steve Jobs, you're my only hope!" Maybe if she'd have got the Apple engineers on the case a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, we'd have videoconferencing that ran not only over 3G, but over space and time as well.

3 of 11 National Broadcasting Company (NBC)

The A-Team's ingenuity knew no bounds. Dammit, lock them in a shed for a few hours and those four guys could make a gun that fired cabbages. Imagine what the A-Team could do with 16GB of storage and access to your iTunes library.

But, let's be honest, Howling mad Murdoch was dead wood. His contribution was pretty much standing around and winding up BA Baracas. Just imagine how irate the bling loving fella's going to be when he finds out the iPhone has a non replaceable battery.

Ladies and gentleman, get ready for the iTeam.

[A bit harsh I think. Murdoch was my favourite. Ed.]

4 of 11 Jo Best/ZDNet

So, according to the rumour mongers, this new iPhone's got 3G, it's got GPS, it's got videoconferencing, it makes your breakfast in the morning and compliments you on your hair if you're feeling low. Bah, old hat. If Apple wants to make an iPhone that does everything, why doesn't it just take a lesson from the master — the Swiss Army knife?

Who cares about calendar and contacts? I want a phone that can open a can when I'm camping and provide me with all the tools to uncork my wine and keep my nails looking spiffy.

5 of 11 Jo Best/ZDNet

At least two Aussie operators are confirmed as iPhone carriers. Apple hasn't exactly made a massive effort to customise the device for regional operators. If only Apple would throw the people Down Under a bone — how about something that tackles our distinctly local problems?

You know, the lethal spiders, the killer sharks, the fatal jellyfish. Why not build some predator-repelling tech into the phone? As in, some sort of sonic weapon stuff? If Apple can make 2G sexy, why can't it use technology to piss off a bunch of crocs?

6 of 11 Jo Best/ZDNet

The soubriquet of the Jesus Phone has been applied to the iPhone and, like Jesus, I reckon the iPhone will be able to heal the sick using miraculous powers. And not just any old common-or-garden healing, brain surgery type healing.

"Get me 10 CCs of morphine and a widget, stat!"

7 of 11 Jo Best/ZDNet

How bored must Apple's designers be? "Hey, we've got a great idea for a new Apple product. Let's make it purple! And with a felt coating! Maybe with fluoro stripes! It'll rock! Oh, you want it white plastic again? OK, sure, we can do that. White plastic. Great. Whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite plastic. Sigh."

In a fit of rebellion, I predict the designers will come up with an iPhone made of cheese. Here's my vision of what that would look like: it's made of iDam.

Cheese is delicious. There's no better way to sell more iPhones than make them out of yummy yummy edible cheese.

8 of 11 Jo Best/ZDNet

Geeks like iPhones and geeks like light sabres. Why not bring them together?

9 of 11 NASA/JPL
NASA's already working to put a mobile network on the moon. Next step: Apple puts an iPhone on the Mars Lander.

With its brand spanking new 3G functionality, the iPhone will be able to transmit the results of the expedition back to earth quicker than you can read War and Peace. Roaming bill doesn't bear thinking about.

10 of 11 Jo Best/ZDNet

So, you've signed your two-year contract, you've put your name down for a whopping great monthly data bill and you've put one of your kidneys in hock to pay for the whole thing. It's not likely you'll be going out any time soon, so thank heavens the iPhone has a fake friend functionality.

Yes, with the press of a touchscreen button, you can talk to and interact with your device like a real person. You can even give your new-found friend the voice of your choosing: options include Arnold Schwarzenegger, David Koch and the Loch Ness monster. Your iPhone friend will console you when your girlfriend dumps you and act as your wingman when you're out on the hunt for her replacement — and quite honestly, you know the iPhone is better looking than you are.

11 of 11 Jo Best/ZDNet

There's nothing worse than when your mobile runs out of juice at a critical moment. So what about an iPhone you can juice up with beer? Someone needs to do some biofuels jiggery pokery but hey, what better excuse do you need for sinking another cold one?

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