Threatening Mac users to be put to sleep?

In response to several threats made against journalists who dared to publicise the fact that the Mac operating system might be vulnerable to attack, police have been called in to investigate, and their findings should be announced sometime today.

The alleged ringleader

According to a leaked report, however, authorities are expected to recommend sending a two-week dosage of sedatives to every registered user of a Macintosh system.

In the report, according to one source's boyfriend, the police stated: -There's no doubt they have a point. Here we Windows users are walking on eggshells having to worry before viewing every e-mail, terrified that the next Web link or instant message will turn our PC into a password-stealing spam-sending zombie. Meanwhile those bloody Mac people run around the information superhighway and execute files willy-nilly without having to give a second thought to viruses or spyware. But that fact doesn't mean they should be permitted to send threatening e-mails every time someone questions their operating system."

Australian Mac enthusiast Simon "Snipe" Hunt, visiting his local computer store in order to buy 20 meters of WLAN cable, called the move ridiculous. "It is ridiculous," he said. "How could they think that something like that would be necessary? Just see what happens if they try it -- they'll be found in a ditch with some really large gross thing sticking out of their guts."

Our reporters managed to track down a spokesman for Sciocco, one of the largest manufacturers of pharmaceuticals in Australia, who confirmed that massive qualities of the sedative Davril were being earmarked for imminent distribution.

-We have a warehouse full of the stuff that has already been bought and paid for. As soon as we get the green light, we will call in Australia Post," the spokesperson said.

Another Sciocco executive, who declined to be named, forwarded us a confidential internal memo, which contained the following paragraphs:

"Thank you all for working so hard to meet the increased demand for our 'Red Delicious' project. But we cannot rest now. I must ask you all to keep up those efforts for the upcoming top secret 'Project Penguin'. We have already signed deals with a number of firms that I can only identify as 'distribution providers', and they have assured us that, despite the fact their customers have a laid-back, 'ponytail and sandals' image, their consistently violent reaction to criticism will most certainly put them on the police sedation list next...

"Again, thank you for your hard work. And please keep production up, especially as we are expecting to need to quadruple output in June for what I can only refer to at this time as project 'Blue Screen'."

Experts are currently attempting to decipher this cryptic memo.