Please, you're busy.
There was an Apple event today.
Here's what you need to know. Try and feel as if you were there. I watched. These are the things that stuck in my head.
Apple Watch Series 4. It'll help you not die even better.
It also "guides you through a deep breath" and "the flames subtly illuminate the tips of the dial."
iPhone XS is "the most beautiful phone we've ever made," and it has the most advanced surgical-grade steel.
It enjoys a camera that's, well, even better than Apple's last camera, which was allegedly the greatest camera ever made. And the most beautiful.
Apple tested its water-resistant capabilities by throwing it into water, orange juice, tea and beer.
But not where most people throw it: in the toilet.
It has a bigger version called iPhone XS Max. Which is a lot bigger and has a bigger battery. You won't be able to pronounce it.
Then there's your gaming experience. It will be even better. And bigger.
"It's not just immersive. It'll transport you," says Bethesda's Todd Howard. I'd like to go to Lisbon, please.
It will also help you get nearer to the shooting talents of Golden State Warriors star Stephen Curry, with the help of an app called Homecourt. I don't know whether you'll be able to set a screen using the notch.
The iPhone XS will, as a wonderful AR demonstration showed, help you point your screen at nothing and compete against other people pointing their screens at nothing. This is the future of gaming. And human life.
Also: 15 essential Apple Watch apps for busy professionals TechRepublic
"I can't tell if you can tell I'm excited," said Apple's Phil Schiller. "That's because you're so excited," I replied.
There's also a new phone called iPhone XR. It comes in a lot of colors and isn't as good as the XS.
iPhone XS is "completely uncompromising," says Jony Ive on a video.
Completely uncompromising costs $250 more than slightly compromised.
There. Now go and impress your friends.
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- The big yawn: These new iPhones will be so boring, I can't wait
- iPhones, iPads, MacBooks: What new hardware will Apple unveil?
- iPhone hope and dread: In its game of phones, what features will Apple kill next?
- Why do people want a new iPhone? This research gives a fascinating clue
- iPhone XS event: Five things to watch for that are not phones
- How Apple Watch saved my life
- iOS 12: Release date, new features, and hidden features CNET
- iPhone XS: A cheat sheet for professionals TechRepublic
MORE FROM THE IPHONE XS EVENT:
- iPhone XS, XS Max, and XR tech specs
- Apple's iPhone XS Max price tops out at $1,449 -- and 8 other keynote takeaways
- One less thing: No new Macs
- iPhone XR? What kind of name is that?
- Apple iPhone XS event: By the numbers
- Apple details new immersive AR experiences coming in ARKit 2
- iPhone XS: I'm definitely buying Apple's new phone and here's why
- iPhone XS: Here's the one reason I won't buy Apple's new phone
- Apple Watch Series 4 launches, doubles down on digital health and wellness